Part VII

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Part VII

25 October 2004

Dear Jenny,

Since I first started having feelings towards you that went beyond friendship, my mind has been spinning.

My eyes wouldn’t move past that first sentence.  I felt physically incapable of reading more.  Immediately, my hands turned clammy, a rush of heat hit my body, and I felt sick to my stomach.  The spacious computer room all of a sudden grew very claustrophobic, and I needed to get away.  Away from all these people, away from the letter, away from what Travis was saying to me.

“Lisa,” I managed to choke out.  “Lis, we gotta go.”  And I ran from the room.  Concerned at the sound of my quiet, shaking voice, she grabbed both our backpacks and caught the door from slamming after me.

“What in the…” She tried to match her long strides to my short quick ones, but I was desperate.  Desperate for some fresh, fall air.  Desperate to erase the letter, desperate to have a melt down where no curious eyes could behold my vulnerable state.  “Jen!  What did the letter say??”

“HE LIKES ME!  HE FREAKING LIKES ME!!”  Was all I could wrap my mind around.  I was mad now.  Angry.  Five minutes passed in pure silence.  Stomping up the hill to our dormitory, Lisa pulled my viciously swinging arm (and me) to a halt.  “Jen, what did he say??”  Hot tears were streaming from my eyes as I shoved the letter, stuffed inside the envelope, at her. 

“You read it.  I can’t.  I just can’t.  It makes me feel sick.  Read it out loud to me, will ya?”

She eyed me cautiously, as if I would pull out a machete and hack her to pieces if she read the wrong words.  I took a deep breath.  She pulled me off the walkway and under a canopy of trees on the dying, fall grass.  Our campus was beautiful – great, old oaks; maple trees; birch and evergreen… trees were everywhere.  Quiet surrounded us.  Most students were either gone from school, or studying indoors.  Football practice and whistles sounded in the background.  No one was around to bother or even notice us.

“Okay.  No really.  Will you just read it to me?  I can’t do it on my own.”  My eyes begged her.

“I will, but only if you promise to explain to me why exactly you’re freaking out over a hot, nice guy that is your friend, Air Force Academy baseball player liking you??”

I chuckled.  Through the tears.  And sniffed up a bubble of snot that was threatening to drip out.  “K, I will.  Although I’m not quite sure of that myself yet.”

She read the letter.  It was beautiful.  Perfect handwriting, perfect grammar (I notice those things!), absolute humility in coming before me, complete romance, complete honesty.  By the end of it, she was swooning; and I had my head between my knees, while groaning through every romantic phrase.  This guy was good.  I had caught his eye (and heart, obviously!) while in Colorado and he needed me to know.  Completely unassuming, he ended with:

Jenny, I do not want to compromise our friendship in any way, so please understand that I am sharing you my heart in the matter, and I am giving it over to you to respond in however you desire…

                                Much care,

                                                                Travis

Slowly, new tears began to form in my eyes.  Looking up at Lisa, I sighed, “What am I going to do??”

Incredulously, she looked at me, mouth agape.  I knew what she was thinking: I was crazy not to fall for this guy.  I mean, he just flippin’ wrote me a hand-written love letter.  Who does that anymore??  And seeing how I love all things written, it really should have sealed the deal.  But instead of voicing her opinions of me, she reached for my hand and said simply, “What is it, Jen?”

And all at once, I was so very tired.  Tired of all the game playing.  Tired of being liked by people I didn’t want to be liked by, and not liked by the people I was dying to like me.  I was tired of trying to “beat the system” and just have fun, when really, it was no fun at all.  It was heartache and bruised egos, because true feelings were at stake.  I didn’t want Travis to like me.  He didn’t even know me and the player that I was.  He didn’t know anything about me, for that matter, and I didn’t want him liking me based on one day’s time together.  As for him, I knew what I needed to know: he was sports crazy, shy and unfriendly, and in the military.  Not the kind of man I envisioned falling in love with, marrying and growing old with.  I wanted to be free and adventurous – travel the world! Work in orphanages! Be missionaries! Live simply! Have a big family, always being the best of friends.  Call me naïve, but I believed it could happen.  This, this thing between Travis and me?  This could simply not happen – wasn’t plausible, doable, or workable.  Another sweet man I must say “no” to, and suddenly, I was overwhelmingly exhausted with the business of breaking hearts.

*

I wrote him back after a few days of convening with a handful of trusted friends and my sweet Lord.  I felt at peace, writing him.  My spirits were calmed, I was no longer fit to be admitted to the crazy ward.  I tried to be as sweet and respectful as he had been towards me in my denial of his advances.  And as I sealed the envelope and pushed it through the mail box slot, I bid Travis goodbye. 

*

Ten days later, another letter from Travis arrived in my mail box.  Unsure of what emotions his words would strike in me, I made sure to find a secluded spot before opening this Letter #2.  It was another eloquent, 3-pager – one full of respect for my feelings, but his longing was evident:

Jenny, I’m not asking for your heart, that’s for the Lord.  I would just like to learn about who you are and where you are at with things, I mean, we’ve both expressed this lack of knowledge about each other and hopefully we can both grow in knowledge of each other.

Please take care,

                                                Trav

“Ugh,” I whimpered inwardly.  “I wasn’t clear enough!  He doesn’t get it.  I’m not interested.  Period. Dot.  And now for break-up #2 with boyfriend #3…”  And that’s exactly what I did.  Promptly headed to the library and wrote him again, a little more clearly, that although he has honored me with his words, I simply was not interested in pursuing a relationship with him, specifically a man whom I saw virtually no connections with.  We merely were heading in two separate directions in life.

*

And that was that.  He wrote me a quick email days later saying that he got my letter and wished me the best with finishing up my fall semester.  He was busy with school, baseball, and training, so he probably wouldn’t be writing me.  I felt vaguely happy with myself, having been right in knowing all along that he wasn’t truly head-over-heels for me.  He was just high off of all the girls from that weekend and figured I was the safest, being “friends” and all in high school.  I had nipped this one in the bud and was rather pleased with the effects of my effort.  No pain and strung-out-mysteries here.  Travis was a mere blip on my radar screen now…  And I assumed that he had forgotten me as well.

*

Meanwhile, the Boyfriend #2 situation was getting uglier and deeper.  He wouldn’t take no for an answer and I was quickly deteriorating under the stress of the trap.  Continually bogged down by every conversation, my school work became less of a priority, and my grades were beginning to hurt.  I was falling apart and felt as though I could barely keep my head above water.  Christmas break was coming soon, in just a couple weeks or so, and never before had it shone so brightly.  I was determined to end it once and for all with this guy, come out on top in my classes (or at least pass!) and move on with life.  Not to mention that I’d be trading the Minnesota winter for a Californian one… yes, Christmas looked so very lovely. 

Two nights before I flew out to California, I wrote out my break-up plan.  Yes, I needed to have it in pen and paper.  No thoughts or sweet words, or beautiful eyes, or tender hand-holding would sway my determined mindset.  I meant business.  And thus, before I even finished my peppermint hot cocoa or allowed the car to freeze up again in the parking lot, I said my peace, pulled my hand out of his grasp three times, and left him there feeling like a slab of raw meat.  I hated every second.  I hated myself for hurting him.  But, I felt irrevocably euphoric with my accomplishment.  I was free.  Blissfully, supremely free and light as air.  

California, here I come!