a birthday

 

We have a date.  An induction scheduled for tomorrow morning.  My mother-in-law is only here for a set time, and the inductions at our hospital had a cancellation for Friday morning... so we took it.  I want the baby to meet its Grandma.

Of course, we're still trying everything possible to get this baby out naturally... and if it's anything like its big sister (who was born one week late, hours before her scheduled induction), maybe it'll come tonight!  Otherwise, its birthday will be May 24, 2013.

It feels good to have a date.  It feels good to know the end is near - very near.  It feels good to know that, Lord willing, I'll be holding that sweet body in my arms tomorrow.  I believe we're all ready to meet and love our newest family member.

So, say a little prayer for us.  Oh, and this little face will no longer be my technical baby, but for some reason, she is getting a mite extra smushes and snugs.  Can it be that my teeny baby is nearly a big sister??  Too fast, too fast...

NOW can I have it??

On Sunday, our pastor was speaking on prayer.  He said something to the effect that, the promises of God are in the Bible to cause us to seek Him more.  Yet, we often do the opposite.  We read, "I will never leave you nor forsake you," and we think Oh, okay.  So, if He promises that, I can just kinda live life on my own.  And we often do.  We live life thinking we can get by without daily communion and petitioning for aid and strength.  Oh, we'll go to Him with the "big" stuff, but the little, daily mundane prayers?  Na...

Immediately, I resonated.  I have not been in much prayer lately.  In fact, the Word has been distant from me.  In many areas of life, recently, I feel as though I know all the correct verses, phrases, prayers, right answers... but do they feel real to me?  Do I live them?  Do I love and cherish them?  No.  And much of me feels lost on how to return back to connecting my head with my heart.

Prayer can be one of those ways.  Prayer is such a practical way of admitting our dependence.  In a world that hails independence and self-made strength, prayer is the exact opposite.  It's begging God for help.  For comfort.  For wisdom.  It's admitting I have no idea what I'm doing... can you help?  Better yet, can you take this from me and allow me to do it in YOUR strength?

Also immediately, my Bella June came to mind.  She, along with many 4-year olds, has a way of repeating herself and her requests until they are heard.  Often, our first encounter with this is in the morning, at breakfast.  The girls love orange juice and they only get one cup a day - at breakfast.  The request starts early, often from the moment they rise.  But, I make them wait, as always, til breakfast.  That doesn't stop Bella from "hinting" that she wants orange juice, that she NEEDS orange juice.  "Can I have some now, Mama?  I just looove orange juice!"

Just wait, I tell her.  I told you I'll get you some.  Trust me.
And as I set their cereal bowls on the table, and grab their spoons... "I just can't wait for my orange juice!  Can I have some now, Mama?  Is it time?"
They plop into their booster seats and thank the Lord for their food.  And in between bites, "Mama, can we have some orange juice???"

Often, I get frustrated.  I take longer some days so I can teach her patience.  I want her to know that if I said I will get it for her, I will get it for her.  I want her to eventually ask once, because that is the socially acceptable way to behave.  We ask once, and then wait.  If you ask too many times or too frequently, you may look needy... and as we all know, needy is bad.

But in the Gospels, Christ spells out a different scenario.  Over and over again, with parables and teachings, He tells us to ASK.  He implores us to implore Him.  We are needy.  We do need Him. Through my daughter, I'm reminded that there's no "socially acceptable" way to interact with God. He wants us to want Him; He wants us to be as little children.

I've begun praying that way for this little one inside me.  Please, Father, allow him/her to come quickly!  Now!  Today!  Is it time yet?  Allow my body to move... don't forget about us...  I'm not sure how He'll answer me.  I'm not sure why he's allowed my mother-in-law to be in town, yet allowed the baby to stay inside.  But, I'm begging for a birthday.  Through the begging, I come to rest in the fact that He knows all and He controls all.  So I will rest.

updates

WELL.... I'm still pregnant.

And my attitude is verging on extremely-emotional/rotten/trying-to-enjoy-these-last-days.

My mother-in-law arrived Saturday night and I breathed a huge sigh of relief.  We had someone to watch the children for whenever labor began.  And we had help.  Something about having family in town is so relaxing for me.

But, it's like someone hit my emotional switch and it was on full-throttle.  I've been crying so easily, so easily upset, so done with being pregnant.

I've had contractions for the past couple nights, and even last night, I was sure we'd be going to the hospital.  And then they stop.

And we've been trying everything.  Acupressure.  Feet massages.  Sexual stuff (you know the deets).  Millions of miles of walking.  Curb walking.  Eating pineapple.  Etc.

How overdue am I?  Well, technically, my due date was the 17th or 18th.  But, according to my charting and cycle, I had estimated at the beginning that my due date would be the 20th or 21st.  So... I know I'm being ridiculous.  I'm technically still in my due date window.  I'm just ready.  And I know that God's timing is perfect.

Meanwhile, I'll be enjoying my mother-in-law's pampering.  Trav took this week off of work, so I'm with those I love most and hopefully soon, I'll be meeting our babe.

Until then, I'm working on my attitude.  :-)

emotional, pregnant woman thoughts

Are we ready for Baby #3?  It's a question we get asked often, and we ask ourselves often.  Yes and no.  Actually, this past Friday, at my 38-week checkup, I, all of a sudden, realized, "This is my 38th week.  In two weeks - TWO weeks - we will have another child."  And I realized, I am in no form of hurrying to get this little one out of me.  Yes, it'll be nice to have my body back (in a sense), but this child is coming... and I must enjoy my last days of mothering "only" two.  That said, my mind is whirlwindish thinking of things we must accomplish before another blessing is added to the day-to-day routine.

Travis was gone this past week on a trip.  I pretty much sat on the couch and crossed my legs, willing the baby to not come while Daddy was away.  He obeyed... what a good little chap (or lass).  It was an exhausting week and this weekend has been filled with Travis and I trying to connect: over parenting, over our marriage, over the changes that are about to occur, over tragedy (an Air Force jet crashed on Friday), over the challenges of moving.  May I touch on two of those with you?

OVER PARENTING: Our Bella has been going through a rough phase.  I can't quite put my finger on when it all began, per se, as she's always been head-strong and at times, a tough cookie.  But, lately, it's been draining my energy.  The talking back, the potty talk, the not listening to instructions, etc.  And lately, she has been pulling away from Travis.  Never wanting to be with him, pushing him away when he goes to hug or kiss her, etc.  It's been frustrating, to put it nicely.  I often find myself at my wits end, knowing exactly how to parent this.  I admit, I have not been spending much time in prayer, and I know that therein my problem lies, as only HE knows my daughter fully and wholly, and only HE can give me the wisdom I so desire in how to love her better and point her to Him, ultimately.  This week was a rough one, single parenting.  And yet, when Trav came home Friday night, he was able to see it all very clearly throughout the weekend, what I'm dealing with.  He was able to discipline and give me a break, and also just try and be with her.  If you think of us, please pray for wisdom with that dear girl.

OVER MOVING: Again, I feel drained over this move.  You must think I constantly say "drained", yet it's the exact word to depict what I am.  That empty, wilted, limp rag feeling of just plain tired.  Making friends takes time and energy, the two things that I seem to lack.  We were blessed with knowing three great friends down here already, and I often thank God for those pre-instituted friendships.  I am very content with just knowing them, and I don't have a desire to reach out and meet new folk.  It seems that my days are simply filled with parenting, taking care of house and home, meeting the family's needs.  To go out and meet people?  Make an effort with our church's people?  Exhausting for me.  Yet, I'm trying.  And I often end those times in tears.  I hate the feeling of being new and unknown.  I hate the feeling of being needy for friends.  And especially at this time, when our new baby is so close to making its debut, all I want is familiarity and my old Kansan friends.  I want family nearby.  I want my old neighbors.  My old church.  Fortunately, I married a people-lover, friendly, outgoing guy.... who makes getting out and meeting new folk easier.  But still... if you think of us, please pray for effort, energy, and some amount of extroversion on my end.

Well, this was a rather serious post.  But, me, just the same.  And it's pictureless... So, if you made it this far, know that I appreciate each and every one of you, who makes being social (albeit social media) easier for me and makes me feel still connected, although I mayn't leave the house all day.  Sometimes, technology is a drag.  But sometimes, it's really rather nice, wouldn't you agree?

drunk driving

Did you know that driving drowsy is just as dangerous as driving drunk??  Your thinking and reaction time are impaired and people whom have been awake for 18-20 hours straight are as dangerous as having a blood alcohol level of .5.  Which is the legal limit!!

All this to say, I can testify.

I've shared this before on the blog, but this pregnancy is completely wearing me out.  I have felt more tired this pregnancy than my other two combined.  I mean, I felt tired with Bella's and Summer's, but this one... OH this one.  Man.  And it's come to the last few weeks where sleep is virtually impossible.

I'm up at least 4-5 times going to the bathroom.  My heart burn is in full swing every night.  My back/hips are not just uncomfortable, but shooting pains.  And those are just the basics - the givens - that I look forward to every evening.  Going to bed is no longer a happy time, to say the least.  Yet, I know this will end soon.  In a month or less, my body will no longer house this infant, and instead I will have him/her in my arms.  I am ready to have the crying, hungry newborn rather than these nights.

Given these facts, I figure I sleep about 2-3 hours a night.  Not much.  There have been MANY days in the past two weeks where I feel in a complete haze.  I can't seem to focus.  My eyes feel so heavy.  I move slowly and feel very much like a zombie.  Today is one of those days.  Yet, I had errands to run.  Groceries to be bought.  Library books to be returned.

Fortunately, our library has a drive-thru return window.  Unfortunately, it is a curved drive-thru.  Fortunately, it is lined with big, yellow, cement poles to help the driver navigate her way.  Unfortunately, my hazy-slow-tired eyes couldn't calculate the distance correctly and I ran into one of the poles.  I cried.  And then drove home.

Trav says I shouldn't drive on days like today.  He's probably right.  O, for a good dose of Nyquil!!  Or for this baby to come soon!!!

exhaustion: a song

tired. tired. tired. tired. tired.

tired. tired. tired. tired. tired.

tired. tired. tired. tired. tired.

tired. tired. tired. tired. tired.

tired. tired. tired. tired. tired.

This is my song.  My never-ending, perpetually stuck-in-my-head song.  I am tired.

This third pregnancy - whether it be a different gender, or life events, or simply the third trimester -  has complete knocked me out.  I think about bed and sleeping too often; I sleep when the girls sleep; I rise when they rise.

It's humbling and frustrating to say the least.  My other two pregnancies didn't treat me this way.  Sure, I was tired at times... but this debilitating, mind-numbing fatigue?  No... I didn't feel this tired.  Only eight and a half more weeks to go... I find myself chanting.

I downloaded the Fighter Verse app on my phone last week.  It's a Bible memorizing application that gives you a section of Scripture to work on each week.  The app costs $2.99, but it comes with all sorts of helpful tools to memorize.  I need this.  Because, try as I might, I can't rise before the girls to read the Word.  And during their nap time, I inevitably fall asleep.  And come evening, I'm useless to the world and to my family.  I plop on the couch and if anybody dare want me to do something away from that comfortable perch, it ain't happenin'.

Our verses for this week are Psalm 96:1-3.  While I made breakfast for the children this morning, I had my phone sitting on the counter, the Fighter Verse app open, reciting the verses for me outloud.  It repeats itself over and over.  Bella came over to listen, too.

Oh sing to the LORD a new song; sing to the LORD, all the earth!  Sing to the LORD, bless his name; tell of his salvation from day to day.  Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous works among all the peoples!

 A new song? thought I.  What new song can I sing to Him?  I'm tired, that's my perpetual song.  Tired and more tired and more tired on top of that.  Sing that to Me, my dear child.  Sing that to Me.  So I shall.

Father, I'm weary.

I'm weak and so teary.

My body feels the weight

of the babe and our great

load of life and duties.

But, You are Rest.

You promise You will be near

during the tests

that spin and whirl

when bearing babes and rearing girls.

Please, take this, my song

of exhaustion and long

hours and minutes spent often

dreaming of dark rooms and

soft cotton.

Remind me that exhaustion, too,

is made by You.

And will be transformed into light

and days that are bright...

one day.

a bet/a guess

Trav and I decided to place our bets/guesses tonight on these three factors about the baby:

Date of Birth
Weight
Gender

Whomever gets the closest (which we determined would be 2/3 right/closest) gets a $50 present/date/fun toy (this would be my husband's desire) from the other.

Here are our previous girls' stats:
Bella:
D.O.B.: one week late
Weight: 8 lb. 7 oz.

Summer:
D.O.B.: 11 days early
Weight: 6 lb.

++++++++

And here are our guesses (my "official" due date is 5-17-13):
Travis:
D.O.B.: 5-16
Weight: 8 lb. 3 oz.
Gender: M

Jenny:
D.O.B.: 5-21
Weight: 8 lb. 1 oz.
Gender: F

++++++++

And just for kicks, here's a 7.5 mos belly pic.  I'm tired, just finished brushing the girls' teeth, and Trav claims he had to capture my "pregnancy pose" - me supporting my aching back.  I'm glad I always look so stunning for these pictures.  J

moving, marriage and maternal updates

This moving gig has kicked my hiney (sp?).  I believe it's been a lot harder in most every aspect than I imagined.  It brings out the worst in me: my lack of patience; my introverted, I-don't-want-to-meet-any-new-people self; my critical, unthankful heart.  Yes, I've seen the worst this past week and I'm not pretty.  So, I've kinda been hiding out.  I'm too darn exhausted every night to get on a computer.  I'm usually trying to pep-talk myself into a good attitude.  Or Trav and I are needing to work things out after the children fall asleep.

Travis and I hadn't been together for the 6 weeks leading up to the move.  Preceding our separation (due to AF), he was working his bum off trying to out process and get things in line for our move.  It was Christmas and the holidays and ... you get the picture, we hadn't seen much of each other in the past few months.  Then, throw us in a car for 4 days, moving our life to a different state, catching the flu, living in a hotel for 5 days, moving in a house that was dirtier than appeared at first glance, a main water line backing up - causing overflowing toilets, non-draining tubs, and flooding carpets - and pregnant, hormonal me.... and you've got drama to the MAX!  Through many, MANY days of tears, harbored emotions, talking, talking, TALKING through things, prayer, and more PRAYER... I finally feel like we're back on the same track.  Of course, he goes back to work today, so we begin a new normal.  But, what I'm getting at is... marriage is a lot of work.  Good, hard work.  Not meaningless work, but productive work.  Sometimes, I wish there could be a lazy day.  A time when work wasn't necessary.  But, for us, if we want to stay close and together, we have to work hard at communicating, giving selflessly, and working for the good of the family.  Marriage is sanctifying, for sure!  And when it works, it's beautiful.

The children are all doing well.  The girls love the new home.  They've been awesome troopers, being toted all over town finding new spots and DMV's and doctors, etc.  I'm very, very proud of their resiliency.  The baby in the womb is a-growin' too.  I'm almost 30 weeks and getting to that really uncomfortable point.  EVERYONE tells me I'm having a boy, because I'm sticking straight out, but I think I stuck straight out with the girls too.  I think I'm having a girl... we'll see in approximately 10 weeks!  Names are non-existent for us.  I've gained about 30 lbs.  Right on track to keeping the same with my girls (gained 40 lbs with each girl).  My exercising program has been NIL this round.  Simply no time for that kind of luxury!!  I found a new OB in the area and he has me scheduled for an ultrasound on the 19th.  I'm scared I'll cave and find out the sex!!  Convince me to stay strong til the end, folks!

Well, enough blither-blather.  I'll be trying to be on here more.  Know that the house is still a wreck in most rooms, I shower approximately every two to three days, I just YESTERDAY went grocery shopping for the first time, and bedtime is the sweetest hour of the day.  One day life will feel back to normal, right???

pregnant sisters and our offspring

In honor of procrastinating .... I edited some pictures last evening.  Pictures I took on our last day in California.  The sweet golden air, spiced with fresh green grass and horse sweat is nearly aromatic in these photos.  We visited Cal Poly, the local university, which has a large agricultural and equestrian units.  It is a familiar past time that my sister and I like to do with our children (when I'm in town, that is).  Of course, the kiddos loved all the horses and on our way back to the cars, we strolled by their stalls - all marked with numbers.  I let each child stand in front of his/her own "age door".  And I love how each personality shines through in the photo.

Suzy: age 7 & 11/12ths

Charlotte: age 6

Bella: age 4

Elizabeth: age 3 & 1/2

Poor Summer's door didn't have a 2.
So Mimi made a two with her fingers...
as did Summer (in her own special way).

Atticus: age 1 (20 mos) -
the sole little man (until baby brother comes along)

My sister and I are also two weeks apart in our pregnancies.  She is ahead and expecting her fifth (!) in the beginning of May.  It's been rather fun to do this one "together."  So, we decided to take a picture of our broods - in all our "pregnancy-glowing-splendor."

Kate at 25 weeks
me at 23 weeks

Oh, baby baby BABY.  Who thinks we need a mite more boys in this fam???

crazy life and the babe

Life is kinda crazy right now.  Christmas time is already nutso - what with all the parties and decor and shopping and family and traveling and baking, etc.  But, on top of this, we've been having military family problems.  Like changes in our orders.  Which would make us move WAAAY earlier than the expected March 11 departure.

So, Trav and I are trying to keep our heads screwed on our shoulders and remain calm.  And figure out how we're going to do these next few weeks.  God is amazing and although this is not what we would have picked (does life ever go as planned??), we've been able to review Mary's attitude toward hearing the news of carrying the Promised One, as a virgin, and her trust and unwavering faith in God.  We are praying to have her faith and obedience too.

And then, in the midst of all this chaos, we were able to have a few minutes of pure happiness and peace today.  We got to see our baby in utero.  I love sonograms.  I love seeing my baby.  Every time, it's a complete miracle and Trav and I both can't wipe the silly grins off our faces.  We refrained from finding out the sex and I'm so over-the-moon excited about the surprise... it's crazy.  Can't wait to hold that little one.

Well, I can wait.  And I'm glad s/he's not coming quite yet... seeing as we have to move and find a place to live... and find an OB... PRONTO.  But thank God for little babes.  Such a miracle.

my girls

Nothing phenomenal going on 'round these parts.  Just two sweet girls.  Often, my heart feels overflowing with the deepest kind of love when I stare at these two faces.  A wonder that I'm allowed to be a mother.  Their mama.

And then the little one in my belly.  I've felt *her* kick sporadically the past few days.  So faint, I wonder if it's her... but after two other babies, I know it probably is.  And I pat her and say a quiet hello to my little girl, or guy.  At this point, I guess it's easier to imagine another little lady joining us.  But, honestly, I have no other inklings as to who this little one will be.  A perfect surprise, that's who.

And Bella snapped this picture of my belly.  Thankfully, she cut out my face, which hasn't showered recently, and has seen the same pair of pants (and t-shirt) for the past 3 days.  Let's face it: it's winter; I'm pasty-white; clothes don't fit; and I just want to eat any assortments of breads and butter throughout the day.  And that's the conclusion of how I feel about how I look.  Such like a woman, I know.

royalty

These princesses royally declare that they are sharing whatever dreadful germs they have caught amongst themselves and are decreed to be banished to the House of Fugler from this day until all coughing, sneezing, snot-bubble-blowing, low-grade fevers be reduced to healthy, happy children princesses.

We've spent all week indoors.  And thankfully, I have two children of the same sex that both enjoy doing the same tasks.  They have made use of every toy available, played House with every blanket and pillow downstairs, chased one another, had stroller races, etc. until we all are going a little crazy.

But, like we've prayed every evening, I am grateful for our warm home to keep us safe, the medicine provided to us, the ability to stay home with sick girls and care for them.  I'm grateful for my hard-working husband, and girls that are mostly pleasant even with hoarse throats and chapped noses.

And I'm thankful for the little heartbeat that we were able to hear again today.  Bella was amazed, I was content to lay there and listen forever, and Summer couldn't take her concerned eyes off of me - her Mama laying prostrate on a table.  When I finally sat up again, all the goo wiped off my tummy, she put her hand on my leg and said, "You all better now, Mama??"  Sweet girls.  I wouldn't mind one more little lass, that's for sure.

things pertaining to my life

This pregnancy is knocking me out.  I'm 13 1/2 weeks and always so tired.  If I don't get a nap in during the day, I'm drooling on the couch by 8:30 p.m.  I'm also hungry 24/7.  EAT EAT EAT.... ALL I can think about is food.  Soooo unlike non-pregnant Jenny.  And I need to take a picture of my belly.  I feel big.

+++++++

Thanksgiving is around the corner.  Is that freaking anyone else out???  We're hosting this year - which will be fun - but, with the description of myself in the former paragraph... I'm needing to kick my booty into gear.

+++++++

I just ordered our Christmas cards off of Cardstore.com.  If you're looking for a steal-of-a-deal, all orders before 11/15 are 70% off!!  Go to: www.cardstore.com.

+++++++

Bella's come down with a cold.  I was up with her most of last night, trying to soothe her coughing.  It's frigid outside and we're stuck indoors.  PLEASE MOVE ME TO FLORIDA SOON.

+++++++

Bella is also sold out on a name for this baby.  Any time we mention any possible names, she pleads, "But Mama... don't you love the name Sparkle??  I just love that name and think it would be perfect.  Sparkle..."  It's hard to tell that dreamy-eyed girl no, but sorry babe, it ain't gonna happen.

facts

Oh dear friends,

   You are so kind to me.  Your words of congratulations and encouragement (from two posts ago) really have made my days.  I feel cyber-spaced loved.  :-)  Really... thank you.

Soooo... I'm pretty sure much of my lack of blogging mojo has been due to the extreme exhaustion I feel with this Little Bean.  I remember feeling tired with the girls, but not this tired.  I'm sure that's also due to the fact that life moves on and no one has time to lie in bed all day sleeping with two little ones underfoot!

I'm 10 weeks tomorrow and I feel very similar to how I felt with the girls:
+ nauseous all day long, and some occasional throw up
+ tired, tired, TIRED
+ exhausted, but bad case of insomnia at night.  This is my least favorite part of pregnancy, and I think with this baby I have it the worst.  I lie in bed all night, awake, but oh so tired.

But truly, I feel so grateful and happy to be pregnant.  Each time, it gets sweeter for me.  I'm not sure why, but that little heartbeat just made me overflow with happy bubbles.

And as I said, life moves on.  We are headed out to Colorado this evening after Trav gets off work for a FAMILY REUNION!!  Yipee!!  Today the girls are in Mom's Day Out, and rather than sneak back into bed... I need to clean bathrooms, finish laundry, pack for everyone, and be ready to jive by the time I pick them up.  This is mind-over-matter at its finest!

1-2-3    GO!

the dearest sound

Today, we heard the dearest sound:

a quick and tiny beat.

It spoke of things to come one day,

like chubby, little feet.

Of coos, and promised sleepless nights;

of smiles, and pink or blue?

O little beat, dear tiny beat -

you speak of dreams come true.

~

We expect our third child in mid-May.

**I, for one, couldn't be happier.**

**Travis is putting in his order for twin boys,

& yet, another adoring daughter would be icing on the cake.**

**Bella is certain she's getting a second sister, and cannot wait

to "hug her and kiss her and hold her."**

**Summer is clueless... and is still my baby.**

So happy to share our news.

Her story

Finally, some moments of peace.  Night Three went better than Night Two which was better than Night One.  Let's hope it continues this way.  Summer and I are connecting more and more as the hours roll by.  It's a weird sensation, having two children.  I look at Bella and know she's my child.  But, all of a sudden, she seems so old, so independent, so different.  With Summer, I look at her and have to remind myself that she's my child.  But, mothering her feels more natural.  She's tiny, she's so dependent, she's truly a baby.  Everything about her is so completely different in ways of how I felt with Bella's birth/recovery/etc. that it's been strange putting the two girls together as "sisters" in my head.  It'll come, but for now, I'm still working at it.  Emotions are such a wacky things.  They skew reality, but in the moment, they are reality.

Onto Summer's birth story.  I'll keep it quick, so as not to bore.  :-)

I had contractions on and off all Wednesday morning.  I was getting hopeful, but not too hopeful as I didn't want to be super let down when/if they ceased.  Which they did.  Right after lunch they stopped and I didn't feel any more until 8 o'clock that evening.  But, they did cause me to start getting prepared just in case she came soon.  I ran to the grocery store, cleaned the house a bit, took a nap that afternoon, and threw some laundry in.  I made sure to snuggle Bella extra that day, as I just felt it might not be the two of us for much longer.

Sure enough, around 8 o'clock that evening, they came back.  After the third one in an hour, I told Travis.  He looked at me and said, "Please don't have her tonight.  I'm exhausted.  I have a ton of schoolwork to finish before the final next week and work is crazy busy right now."  Uhhh... hate to break it to ya, Buddy, but babies don't wait for things to settle down.  I continued to have them every twenty minutes for another hour.  Then... nothing for an hour and a half.  Bummed, I packed a hospital bag for us - just in case -before we went to sleep, and tried to think happy thoughts about not going into labor that night.

As soon as both our heads hit the pillow, BAM.  Big contraction.  Took my breath away.  Twenty minutes later, BAM again.  Huge one.  Made me want to scream.  Eighteen minutes later, another huge contraction.  All of which were happening in my back for a minute and then moving to the front for another 30 seconds.  Man... I all of a sudden remembered why I never wanted to give birth again.  After the fourth one, we called out neighbor and she came over to watch Bella.  Trav and I continued to gather things around the house and by the time we left at 1:30 a.m., my contractions were around 10 minutes apart and STRONG.

We were admitted at 2 a.m. to the Birthing Center.  At 3:30ish I received life (a.k.a. Epidural).  Oh my goodness.  I could dedicate a whole blog on why epidurals are my favoritest thing in the whole world.  I know  everyone and their Aunt has their own opinion on them, but for ME, I would marry it if possible.

I was at 8 cm when the epidural kicked in and three hours later, I pushed Summer Noelle out.  Two contractions, about 8 big pushes, and her tiny little life entered this world.  It was miraculous.  I was able to hold her right away, Trav cut the cord, and they let me have my baby for the first two hours of her life.  I loved being connected with her right away and for so long.

***

When we reached the hospital and were administered to our room, I had a huge freak-out session.  Actually, the freak-out session started at home while laying in bed after my first huge contraction.  I started to cry and couldn't stop.  The pain of the situation, the memories of Bella's first day, everything came rolling back to the forefront of my mind so fast and furious, I couldn't control myself.  I was scared.  So terribly scared to be doing this again.

And again, while at the hospital, watching all the nurses hurry along and prepare everything for my labor, the memories flooded back.  As many of my long-time readers/friends may know, Bella's first months (starting with her labor) were some of the darkest in my life.  A lot contributed to that: traumatic labor, fear of her cleft-lip and palate, complications after the birth, Trav's deployment soon after birth, her "colicky" self for the first 5 months, the onset of winter, etc.  I couldn't shake any of those memories once we were in the hospital.  All I wanted was to get out of there.  I was desperate to NOT GIVE BIRTH.  Trav, the nurses, the anesthesiologist all probably thought I was nuts.  My sobs were uncontrollable and I just kept repeating, "I don't want to do this. I CAN'T do this again!"  Finally, one sweet nurse took the time to sit down and have me talk out my fears.  She and Travis held my hands and listened, asked questions (in between contractions), and  loved me through my fear and pain.  It was very soothing and healing to be able to talk through my fear.  

Once I got my epidural, my body calmed down and my spirits seemed to follow.  Hope was springing anew with the absence of pain.  I could do this.  I HAD to do this.  I was to be a mother again, come rain or shine.  The labor went smoothly and contrary to the three hours of pushing with Bella, Summer practically "popped" out.  I feel as though God smiled upon my labor and blessed it tremendously.  I am so so thankful.  

Our new baby girl

Summer Noël

born at 6:28 am

6 pounds

18 3/4 inches

We are blessed to announce the arrival of our little Summer Noël into the world. We showed up at the birthcare center at 2am, Jenny fortunately got the epidural by 3:30 am, and Summer was born at 6:28am. She weighed in at exactly 6 pounds, and measured in at 18 3/4 inches. Summer is a cute and quiet little one. Jenny is terribly exhausted (and I as well).  She'll write more later once everything settles.  Praise the Lord for this blessing... what a gift!

word of the day

di·late

   [dahy-leyt, di-, dahy-leyt]verb, -lat·ed, -lat·ing.


–verb (used with object)

1.

to make wider or larger; cause to expand.

2.

Archaic . to describe or develop at length.

Praise the Lord!!  I'm dilated 3 cm!!  Had my 38-week check up and my OB says things are moving along just fine.  He wouldn't be surprised if she came any time now.  Okay, I know I'm just jinxing myself by posting this, and now she'll be 2 weeks late... but, I can't help myself.  I'm ecstatic.  Trav says this is the happiest he's heard me in 9 months.  :-)

Ummm... I'm ashamed to admit this, but I totally have always spelled/pronounced "dilate", di-A-late.  Now, I have seen my errors and will turn from my ways.  Di-late.  

In other news, this little lady of ours is MORE than ready to be a big sister.  She can't wait for the baby to "crawl out of Mama" (something like that...) and she also talks about rocking and feeding the baby many times during the day.  I'm ready to see her rise to the occasion.  I'm ready for these girls to become friends.  

And... in other news... just because I'm near to popping and these life situations call for a bit o' fun every now and then...

... I dyed my hair pink.  Just a couple "peek-a-boo" strips on either side.  Because, after all, I'm having a girl and I'm celebrating!!  I may be a mother of two, but I'm only 26 and plus, my mom says it looks "Wicked"! 
---------------
Post Script:  Trav came home and noticed it right away.  He smiled funny and made me turn around a couple times.  Then he said, "I like it!  It gives you even MORE sass!  All we need now is some leather jackets and we can hop on a Harley and get outta here!"  :-)  That's what I'm talking about... 

grumpy frumpy

I know I know... I have lovely artwork.  My fuse is growing shorter by the day (minute?) and I'm just warning you all.  I have a foul temper.  I try not to blog when my temper is foul, but today will be an exception.  Maybe sharing my frustrations will help the bricks sitting on my chest.

- Why my daughter won't nap is beyond me.
- Why she insists on singing "The Wheels on the Bus" in her loudest voice all day long is beyond me.
- Why I can't find the previous point endearing, as everyone else around me seems to, is beyond me.
- Why anyone would place CARPET under my eating area is beyond me.  This has been driving me nuts ever since we moved here and is the bane of my existence.
- Why I'm supposed to remain composed and non-violent when my daughter really really hurts me BAD - like dropping a glass jar on my toe, kicking me in the boob SUPER hard, and biting my finger "on assident, Mama," is beyond me.
- Why I bought chocolate milk, Butterfingers, Skittles, and Pop-Tarts at Wal-Mart today while grocery shopping is beyond me.  Why do I do this to myself?????
- WHY CAN'T I SLEEP???
- Pardon, actually... I did get a good chunk of four hours in last night, from 2 a.m. to 6 a.m.  Then my second daughter pummeled my bladder and I peed.

My fuse is short people... dangerously short.

On second thoughts... if you could do these simple things, it might extend my fuse/do away with the bomb completely:
- Prescribe me sleeping pills and remove this lump from my abdomen for a 24-hour period.
- Unpinch my sciatic nerve.  Completely and forever.
- Provide a full-time Daddy.
- Allow me to give birth - 6 weeks early with no complications - with no pain and no recovery necessary.

Muchas gracias.  I'll be in a better mood tomorrow.  Promise.  I hope.  Maybe.

my thoughts on pregnancy

I am 34-weeks, as of tomorrow.  Why is the last stretch the hardest??

I'm not a huge fan of pregnancy.  But, I feel as though it's not *right* to admit it.  Cognitively, I know I am extremely blessed to be able to bear my own children.  I know that it's something not to be taken lightly.  I know that it's a privilege and a miracle.  And I am grateful.  Truly.  But, still, I don't like it.  I wonder if I'd like/appreciate it more if I had experienced trouble getting pregnant.  Maybe.  Sometimes, life is like that.  We don't really, truly treasure what we have until we can't have it.  I wish life wasn't like that.  I wish I could know what it means to truly cherish every gift I've been given: whether it's the simple things like sunlight, or the huge things, like children or my health.  But I guess that's part of being human: we are easily entertained and easily distracted.  I suppose therein lies the beauty of suffering: we are given the gift of knowing what could have/should have/would have been.  And we cherish what we're given even more deeply.

Back to pregnancy.  The most difficult part for me -- *major ego-centric moment here* -- is the weight gain.  I hate it.  I hate seeing the numbers go up and knowing how much work it will be to get the numbers down.  I hate how my clothes fit (or don't).  And more than that, I hate how I hate it.  Isn't that silly?  I know... but it's true.

I read something the other day, on a runner's blog.  [I am NOT a runner - just ran across this.]  And she was writing about pregnancy and running and how people try and gain as little weight as possible.  She said something that struck a chord with me:

I think there is a fear that we are passing on an unrealistic and unhealthy message about pregnancy to women as well as a sadness that we can’t let pregnancy be a time when our body is growing and changing in order to sustain the life of a baby.  It’s as if we’re supposed to go through pregnancy absolutely unaffected by what’s going on inside our bodies.  How strange and counter-intuitive is that?!?


Yes, this is what I feel!  That I'm supposed to gain the littlest amount of weight possible (I gained 40 with Bella and am well on my way to gaining the same amount with this one...) and then have it off immediately.  And while I'm all for being healthy and exercising and such, I just want to be able to give myself some freedom to grow a baby inside of me without feeling guilty.  To rest, because I have a 2-year old.  To slow down, because my sciatic nerve is crippling me.  To gain some weight and not fret, because honestly... I'm a mother.  Things are going to change.  


In the end, I have a husband who is crazy about my body, now, as well as when we got married, after I had Bella and everything in between.  I have two daughters.  I have a normal body that is going to age, change, and eventually, pass away.  I don't want to waste these months sweating the "small stuff" when I could be cherishing these gifts.