to a military spouse

What follows is a typical, common conversation that I have with many non-military people.

Person: So how long is he going to be gone for?

Me: About 5 more months.

Person: Oh, that's not too bad!  It'll go by fast...

Me: *crickets*

Person: You guys can skype and email and stuff, right?

Me: Yeeeessss... (not really wanting to go into the gory detail of what it looks like trying to gather 4 people into a small phone screen, while one of them is desperately trying to push the "red" (i.e. hang up) button, and the other two are jumping on my back.  Meanwhile, the "amazing" internet connection has gone out 7 times and I've had to repeat the sentence "We're good, nothing's new," about fourteen times.)

Person: You're really lucky that you get to see each other and talk on the phone.  People back, just 20 years ago had to stick to handwritten letters!  You've really got it good these days.

Me: Yep.

And yes, I understand that we're blessed to be able to skype.  I get the fact that email is awesome and we don't have to wait weeks to read the handwritten note (or, we do, but we get emails in between said letters).  I get it.  

But allow me to draw a similar conversation up, with similar remarks... 

Person: UGH!!!  I've had a terrible week.  My kid got sick, and I've had to do 14,000 loads of laundry in the past 3 days.  I haven't been out of the house all week and, as you can see, I haven't showered in 4 days.  This sucks.

Me: Ya, well, don't get too down.

Person: What?  Did you just hear what I said???

Me: Well, I mean, you didn't have to wash all the laundry BY HAND, did you?  You have a WASHING MACHINE, right?  And your kid, he doesn't have malaria or scarlet fever or pertussis, right?  He got some antibiotics and is doing fine now, right?  And showered??  Don't even get me started!  Just 100ish years ago, people bathed in water heated from the stove in baths once a week.  You've got it good, sister!!  You're truly blessed.

Person: *crickets*

Obviously, this convo would never happen.  

Listen, folks.  We're all blessed to be living now rather than "back then," with the modern conveniences (although, Heaven knows I'm one Laura Ingalls Wilder/Anne of Green Gables romanticizer) that are available to us.  

If this emphasizes anything, it's that we as a society simply cannot stand awkward/uncomfortable situations of people in pain or grieving.  We feel the need to slap a "It's OK!!" bandaid on it and some trite "encouraging" word.  I'm resolving to change that.

on being married to an often-absent husband

Photos from a day at the beach
-when we ALL were together

My husband's been absent much lately.  Trips - both unexpected and planned - have come and gone, and yet there are still more.  Always more.

It's never very easy for me.  People often tell me, "I don't know how you do it!  I could never be a military wife."  I always feel like laughing.  I don't choose this path.  I don't want this path.  I don't "do it" well and without complaint, although I wish I did.

When Travis is here for more than a week without a trip on the line, my heart begins to grow suspicious, like someone bad is lurking around the corner.  I prepare my heart for The News he'll come home with... that a trip is intervening and messing up future plans.  The trips may be short (3-5 days) or long (weeks).  He could work all week, get sent on a trip Friday through Sunday and be back at work on Monday.  Just because he's a pilot doesn't mean if he's not flying, he's not working.  He has two jobs in the squadron and often works 12-hour days.

I say all this because I want to admit that after seven and a half years of being a military wife, five of those years in active assignment, I still struggle with him being gone.  By struggle, I mean specifically, I get angry.  I feel left and I can take it personally (even though it SOO isn't!) when he's gone on trips.  I put up walls to avoid having my heart hurt so when he's absent.  I want to appear Independent and Self-Reliant, when in reality, I need him and I hurt when he's not here.  I encounter bouts of bitterness of raising the children alone.  I often have to wrangle myself away from "the grass is greener" mentality.

Recently, I've tried to take the bull by the horns and battle these lies.  I'm meeting bi-monthly with a woman from my church to simply pray and battle for our marriages and lives.  Just to have someone else know my true struggles of contentedness in the Air Force life, without it being through complaint and venting, is therapeutic.  To know true community with people that care and love me, asking how life is regularly, helps greatly with the loneliness of the Air Force life.  Of course, casting our cares on Him, the One Who knows all and has placed us here is the greatest act of faith and love we can do.

Community, pro-activeness, honesty, and prayer.  It's how I battle my greatest wars.  If you're in similar situations (an often-absent spouse), would you mind sharing how you stay connected and full of joy??

crazy life and the babe

Life is kinda crazy right now.  Christmas time is already nutso - what with all the parties and decor and shopping and family and traveling and baking, etc.  But, on top of this, we've been having military family problems.  Like changes in our orders.  Which would make us move WAAAY earlier than the expected March 11 departure.

So, Trav and I are trying to keep our heads screwed on our shoulders and remain calm.  And figure out how we're going to do these next few weeks.  God is amazing and although this is not what we would have picked (does life ever go as planned??), we've been able to review Mary's attitude toward hearing the news of carrying the Promised One, as a virgin, and her trust and unwavering faith in God.  We are praying to have her faith and obedience too.

And then, in the midst of all this chaos, we were able to have a few minutes of pure happiness and peace today.  We got to see our baby in utero.  I love sonograms.  I love seeing my baby.  Every time, it's a complete miracle and Trav and I both can't wipe the silly grins off our faces.  We refrained from finding out the sex and I'm so over-the-moon excited about the surprise... it's crazy.  Can't wait to hold that little one.

Well, I can wait.  And I'm glad s/he's not coming quite yet... seeing as we have to move and find a place to live... and find an OB... PRONTO.  But thank God for little babes.  Such a miracle.

new horizons

After being in the same spot in life for what seems like quite an eternity, things are beginning to move and change around here!  And rather quickly.  Of course, that is life.  As I wrap my head around what the next six months entail, I can begin to hyperventilate and swoon, but mostly, I am excited and ready for some change.

1. NEW ASSIGNMENT

We received news, about two weeks ago, that we are moving on from the Midwest!!  Travis received orders to Florida for our next assignment and we are nothing but thrilled.  Of course, California and Colorado have always been top wishes for us (due to family location), but those two places weren't looking promising.  So my next request was just somewhere out of the midwest, preferably on a coast.  Of course, as a cold-weather-hater, I am simply happy knowing I can get rid of some coats and hats within these next few years.

From what we've heard, Trav's new flying job is apparently a dream.  Knowing that he'll be happy and less stressed is a dream for me.  We can't stop thanking God for the change and pray that it'll be so beneficial for our marriage and our family.

But, we've a road ahead of us!  Last time we moved, I was five months pregnant with Bella!  Five years later, we have two daughters and one baby on the way.  LOTS MORE CRAPOLA, to put it lightly.  We need to find a place to live, Trav will go through training, and we will move all before March.  Lots to do.

2. A MASTERS DEGREE

Travis has been slowly plugging away at the dreaded, but required, Master's degree ever since Fall 2009.  He is in his second to last class right now, and was on a time line to finish up by March 2013.  But, because of our impending move and his training, we'll have to delay it by a few more months.  Nevertheless, we're in the home stretch and when that blessed day comes when he's Master's complete, life will be so so SO beautiful!

3. THE BABY

And of course, the third baby will be coming in May.  We're hoping to be settled in a home/townhouse/apartment with Master's completed by the time this little one shows up.  That's our goal, but we'll see how it all pans out.  We've decided to keep the sex of the baby a surprise (always a wish of mine), and the anticipation makes me giddy.

+++++

Lots of change on the horizon.  I'm happy.  I'm ready.  Lots to rely upon the Lord for.  Of course, as I drive around this town that's been our home for nearly five years and run into familiar faces everywhere, I know I will miss this place.  This place that has been the home of many difficult years for our marriage and family, has also been a place of great growth and the birthplace of our daughters.  There are precious people here, and sweet memories.  Yet, I sense I truly am an AF wife, because the itch has begun and I'm ready for new adventures.  Into the wild, blue yonder...

my second family

With the women from our squadron

On Thursday, we received some unexpected and disappointing news: we would not be moving in November (as we thought).  We would, in fact, not be moving for a whole 'nuther year.

To non-military folk, it's difficult to explain why we feel so anxious to move.  It could be that we've been through three rounds of friends, coming and moving, and we feel it's our turn.  Or the fact that in the last two years, we've been given three assignments, just to have them pulled from under us.  Or the fact that because Travis has been here so long (for a pilot), he is doing immeasurably more work than he technically should be for his rank or first assignment.

But, after the initial shock wore off, I chose to see the bright side.  Another year of familiarity.  Another year of beautiful fall weather.  Another year by our dear neighbors.  Another year of hot summer days (2013).  Another year of knowing the town I live in and having a Hobby Lobby.  Another year of knowing great babysitters and watching our girls grow in the house they were brought home from birth in.  A lot of pluses.

On Friday night, the base held a spouse appreciation banquet.  I went and was totally blessed.  After a week where my husband worked 15-16 hour days, in the midst of receiving our disheartening news, it was a perfect night.  I was surrounded by 200+ women who totally get our situation.  Get the ups and downs.  Get the uncertainty and vulnerabilities.  And women who choose to thrive.  Choose to love deeply and quickly.  Choose to be each others' second families.  I spoke with both of Trav's commanders - men who love the Lord and seek to follow Him.  And they both encouraged me in our "stuck-here-forever" plight.  It was a night that I soaked in the family God has blessed me with here.

Do what you can

with what you have

where you are at.

And yesterday at church, I was surrounded by so many familiar, dear faces.  People whom have loved our little family the past four and a half years.  People with whom our lives have intertwined in meaningful ways.  I, again, felt so full and thankful for our family of the church.

I'm not sure why God keeps deciding to keep us here for longer than normal.  I pray that I won't be blinded by what my desires are, but instead, keep trusting and looking for what He has planned in our remaining time.  As so many of my dear friends have wished me, "May this be our best year yet!"

happiness is...

 A Daddy flag...

for welcoming him home.

Stars...

for each deployment-return date.

This date got changed a bit - 

two days doesn't seem too bad in retrospect.

An incomplete family...

totally ready to brave the 100* F degree heat to meet Daddy. 

Two best friends...

each waiting for their own daddy.

It's nice to share a deployment with a friend.

Two girls THRILLED to see their Daddy...

and a Daddy overwhelmed with love. 

A little one...

obsessed with Daddy's chewing gum.

Trav returned home last night... waaay after bedtimes

(the sun goes down way late here).

I'm quite enjoying:

(a) the reprieve of constant little-kid touch

(b) the little voices yelling "Daddy!!  Daddy!!" all through the house

(c) a man to hold and kiss and touch

(d) our complete family

*

*

*

Thank you for all your prayers and well-wishes.  My man has made it home.

how to make a deployment count

This deployment has been one of my favorites, as favorite as deployments can go.

There were a couple of factors inducing this opinion:
- it's summertime
- my girls are old enough to have fun & sleep through the night
- we all were healthy

But, this deployment also yielded much fruit.  For the first time in many years, I sense that the veil that has been over my heart and eyes has been lifted.  I know our family has been bathed in prayer since this deployment began, and I don't underestimate the power of prayer.  Travis has been surrounded by Godly men, strong men, honest and open men while out in the desert.  I have had time to be in the Word, Godly family surrounding me, books to guide me.  I also have been memorizing.

I wish I could say memorizing Scripture was one of my strong suits, but it isn't.  In fact, it's a chore.  But these past 3 months, it has been my joy and turned my heart towards the Truth in more than one instance.  I've found that memorizing isn't hard to do, if you simply CHOOSE to do it.  It's, more often than not, a choice of whether I took those 15 minutes to work on my verses or spend time on the internet.

My aunt and I memorized Isaiah 55 together.  It's a gem to have hidden in my heart, and I'm so grateful I do.

I also try and work with our girls on memorizing.  I've picked a few passages over the past months that we work on daily, or almost daily.  I have no special recipe for this, except I break down the passage into small chunks and make up hand motions.  We go over it and over it until they (namely, Bella) has it down.

And because I think simply seeing others do gives motivation for me to do, here are Bella's and my memory verses.  Pick a passage, small or large, and commit it to memory.  You won't regret it.  God's Word is active, and like it says in Isaiah 55, "it shall accomplish that for which I [He, God] purpose."

(I picked Hebrews 13:5-6 for the children to memorize because we were

struggling with a bout of the "I want it!"'s and I wanted contentedness

to be on our lips and in our hearts.  It has worked well to have this

one memorized, as we use it quite often while in stores and whatnot.)

"Keep your life free from love of money,

and be content with what you have,

for He has said,

"I will never leave you, nor forsake you."

So we can confidently say, 

"The LORD is my helper, I will not fear.

What can man do to me?"

do you like airplanes??

My girls are obsessed with airplanes.  Especially the ones their Daddy flies.  And Bella totally thinks every dad flies airplanes at work.  :-)  Needless to say, they loved this video that Trav sent us of him flying, rainbow diving.

It was a bit confusing for me, so here's what's happening:

They're flying home after a mission.  The plane you can see is their shadow.  Their actual jet is cruising along the cloudline and the sun is hitting the clouds at just the right angle, so to create a rainbow in front of them.  The guy you see in the shadows briefly before the last guy at the end is my manly husband.  Enjoy the video.

Other than watching cool airplane videos, we've been primarily living in the pool these days.  Ie: we wake up, eat, get on our suits, swim.  Come home, eat, nap, wake up, put on our suits again, swim.  Come home, eat, sleep.  REPEAT.  I LOVE this season.  REPEAT:: I LOVE this season.

Speaking of this season, this little Summer reminds me an awful lot of her Daddy when it comes to looks.  And in a big way, that comforts me when he's away.  I love being able to see glimpses of Travis when I see my daughter.

Happy Wednesday, all.  Hope you're enjoying your summer!

seventy-seven

The trouble with growing up in a Bible-believing home is you automatically know all the right answers.

The trouble with knowing all the right answers is that you very often don't have to search for God.

The trouble with never having to search for God is that you don't get to experience the joy and pleasure of finding Him.

+++++

(Because I love bed pictures.  Especially with a Sleeping Beauty on it.)

Without being too overtly obvious, today is OUR turn.  Today marks #6.  Today, we're counting down from seventy-seven.  Some say, "Oh, that's not too bad."  I hate that.  What that means is, it's not bad for them.  It's bad for me.  For our daughters.  For our marriage.  Yes, it's not a 6 or 12-month-er, but it's still seventy-seven stinkin' days.

For honesty's sake, let me be real for a minute.  You know what is the hardest thing I've ever done?  To live these past four years, trying to cultivate a {{relationship, marriage, family, home}} when my {{significant other, man, head-of-the-household}} is rarely present.  It's been, by far, the most trying, gut-wrenching, self-sacrificing phase of life.  And I very often (re: always) feel as if I'm failing.  I don't mean for any of this to fall on Travis, as if he were the problem.  He's not.  You all know what a fine man I think him to be.  It's 80% situational and 80% me learning how to grow up and 25% personalities conflicting.  Forget that the percentages don't make sense... they do to me.

For me, absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder.  Absence makes the heart grow tired.  And weary.  And distant.  And cold.  So I fight.  I fight for fondness.  For closeness.  For vigor.  For life.  And then, when times like these come; when #6 rolls around and my heart feels faint because I don't know how to cultivate rich ground anymore, I remember spring.  I remember that it's HE who gives life... not all my endeavors.  Why do I forget this so frequently?  I'm a foolish, foolish woman.

+++++

I resolve for the next seventy-seven days to soak myself in the Word.  To be daily with Him.  To find Him and be found by Him.  I resolve to hope that He will sustain my marriage, our relationship, our family.  I resolve to find peace in His Word and His presence.  Seventy-seven days.

considering joy on a Good Friday

I preached to myself this evening as I made our dinner salad.  "Consider it all joy... consider it all joy... consider it ALL JOY..." was my repetitive mantra.  Repetitive, because I couldn't quite wrap my mind around why I was to consider my plight ALL JOY, when it was anything but joy-inducing.

My husband has been gone - a lot.  The past month, he's been gone on back to back trips.  In some ways, these small trips are more difficult to accept than a deployment, because (a) they're usually last minute; (b) he's in the USA but not accessible to me; (c) they can tend to seem like vacations to a stay-at-home mother.  Tonight, he returned from a 2-week trip... with news.  News that, on Easter, he'll be leaving again.  And with a deployment on the near horizon, this news was depressing, angering, and heavy.

Trav took the girls for a short bike ride as I made dinner.  I needed space and time to cool off.  I've learned that if I allow myself the depressing, angering, heavy feelings (even if they're warranted), nothing is made better.  If I choose joy and perseverance, life together at home will be smoother.  As I methodically cut the lettuce, I chanted James 1:2.

This is Good Friday.  And I must consider this situation all joy.  Why?  Why are these two days linked?  What impact does Good Friday have on today?  


You see, Easter is the holidays I struggle the most with.  I never feel like I can fully grasp/appreciate/worship/feel the "correct" amount of what truly happened.  No matter how much I try and meditate on Good Friday, or Easter morning, I always feel like I'm lacking.  Christ's sacrifice was so HUGE, MONUMENTAL, EARTH-SHATTERING... and here I am, this measly person trying to fit my emotions with the facts, my gratitude with the Greatest Gift ever given.... an impossible puzzle.

And here is Good Friday.  And I'm upset.  Because I want my husband HOME.  I want a relationship with him.  I want a dependable schedule.  Yet, all I can do is recite "Consider it pure joy, my brethren..." in order not to blow a fuse.  In the midst of this, He spoke:

Consider it pure joy... Consider it pure joy... Consider it pure joy...  WHY?!


Because I want you to know Me.


But how can I know You through Travis constantly being gone?  Why are those so contingent upon one another?  I don't understand.


I want you to be satisfied by Me.  Alone.


Well, I do too, but I don't see anything wrong with Travis being home...  I mean, why did you give me a husband if he's not going to be a part of my life?


I died for you to be satisfied in Me alone.


Hmmm... okay.  


Trust Me, Jenny.  Trust that I will always give you what's best.


And that was it.  He spoke, there in the middle of washing my green pepper.  He helped me understand why I should consider my husband's constant absence a JOY.  I still don't fully grasp the why's and wherefore's, but I see how Good Friday is in my every day life.  That is enough for the next step.  Do the next thing, and He is there before you.

State canvases: revealed! and a tute

I finally finished touching up my state canvases and hung them on the wall this afternoon.  Bella and Summer both made me feel so crafty and proud of myself as we walked up the stairs to nap time.  Bella exclaiming, "Look Mom!  Look at the wall!" and Summer cooing, "Oooohhh..." while trying to knock every last one of them off.

These were so fun and super easy.  You don't have to be "crafty" to finish one, just be able to hold a paint brush and make some fine lines.  :)  Read to get started??  Here's what you'll need:

- canvas.  I chose 10"x10".  $5.99 + 30% off at Hobby Lobby.
- pencil
- scissors
- paint brushes/sponge.  Preferably paint brushes in varying sizes, especially a small/fine tipped one.
- acrylic paint of your color scheme.


Alright, first off, this could be used for any household, but it's special to us military folk since we move around so much.  The 4 states I chose are states that we've lived in together.  I did choose to leave out Washington state, seeing as we were only there for 3 weeks after we were hitched, and we lived in a hotel all the while.  Nevertheless, Trav thinks I should make one for Washington, so I'll humor him as I use it as a mock tutorial.

STEP ONE: get on your computer and google "Washington state outline".  Or whatever state you're choosing.  Find one that fits appropriately on your canvas and print it out.  My states are not all scaled to the same size.  I simply chose ones that were around the same size and went with it.

STEP TWO: once your state is printed, cut around the perimeter of the state, being careful to get all those river-y/coastal borders (or if you're choosing Colorado, you're spoiled).

STEP THREE: use a small piece of tape to position the state as you would like it on your canvas.  Then, trace around it lightly with a pencil.

I'm totally not doing Washington now JUST because of all those islands and inlets!!
Crazy town...

STEP FOUR: once you have your penciled state outline, decide what color scheme you'd like to use and paint!  I used my sponge brush for the majority of the canvas and then really zeroed in on the borders with my fine-tipped brush.  I also painted the states white, even though the background was already white, just to keep in accordance with the texture.

STEP FIVE: let dry and do a double coat/touch-ups with the paint.  One coat wasn't enough to give a full coverage, so I found that two seemed sufficient and made the states "pop" a bit more.

Where we both grew up and met.
Never stationed in CA, but it's our dream!

STEP SIX: place a heart where you live{d}/were stationed, etc.

Where Bella was conceived... :)

STEP SEVEN: I added the names of the towns on the side, just for kicks... feel free to personalize it any other way you would choose!

Where both our girls were born...

STEP EIGHT: nail a bracket on the back and hang for decoration!  As you can probably guess, my lines are not perfect, and I'm sure the shape of the states are a bit off, but with the bold colors, the white stands stark and you'd never know unless you looked really close.

Enjoy your new decor!

flexibility is the name of the game

Yesterday, I came into the room to find Bella kneeling next to Summer,
arm draped 'round her sisters neck.
And she was whispering, "Best friend. best friend"
into her baby sister's ear.
My heart was so full.

We've had a valuable lesson in flexibility during this time in Alabama.  Heck, the last seven months have been a lesson in flexibility.  Before we came down here, I thought, "I could never live in a hotel room with BOTH kids for 6 weeks."  Boom.  Consider it {nearly} done, my friends.  And we enjoyed it!  It struck me last night, as we returned from our trip to Jackson, as I watched Summer crawling into every nook and cranny, and Bella twirling in the small space of her closet/"bedroom", that these girls are phenomenal.  Adjusting so quickly and happily to any and every situation, loving one another throughout the long car rides, Bella making such sense of it all in her 3-year old mind... I really admire my girls.  The past seven months have held:
End of March-end of June: Daddy deployed
End of May- June: visiting CA
July: integrating Daddy back in our lives
July-August: Daddy sent on 5 trips - a week or longer at a time.
Beginning of August: CA for Uncle Greg's wedding
End of August- beginning of Sept: CO to visit Grandparents/follow Daddy/run our race
Middle of Sept- middle of Oct: AL with Daddy

It's no wonder I had this conversation with Bella the other day:
Bella [upon spying someone with the same sippy cup]: Hey, we have that same cup in... in... in...   Minnesota!
Me: We don't live in Minnesota, Bella.
B: I mean, we have that same cup in ... in... in... Colorado.
Me: Um... nope.
B: California?
Me: No.
B: Where are we again, Mama?
Me: Alabama.
B: But where's our house with all my toys and my bed?
Me: Kansas.
B: Oh ya!  We have that cup in our house in Kansas!

Anyhoo... I understand every mom thinks their kids are awesome.  And I understand I'm just one of those.  So I proudly proclaim:

From my comfortable perch upon our bed, 

In our lovely, cluttered hotel room,

While the box fan drones out my typing noise

so as not to wake my slumbering, closet-bound babes,

I am PROUD of my girls.

They are strong, AF children.

Flexible, content, and most precious to my soul.

Home is...

Although probably overused in my world, this saying encapsulates our current living situation so well.  Bella's been trying to make sense of our new "home" for the next 6 weeks.  While walking around on base, trying to find the library, she looked at me and asked for the hundredth time, "Mama, why are we here??"
"Because, Sweetie, Daddy's work brought him here and we wanted to be near Daddy.  So we came with him."
"Why?"
"Because if we can be with Daddy, we need to be with him.  We're a family... we want to be together."
"But why?"
"Well... would you rather be in Kansas without Daddy, or here with him?"
"HERE WITH HIM!!!"
"Yep, I thought so.  And that's why we're here."
"Mama?  Can I have some gum?"
"Nope.  I left it at the home, so we can maybe get some when we get back from our walk."
"Is our home that little, tiny hotel?"
"Yep.  For now it is."
"Why?"
.... and so on and so forth.

We continue to have conversations like this, and each time, she amazes me with her resiliency and her little life thus far.  Her childhood is going to look sooo different than mine did.  "Home" is going to mean something different to her than it did to me.  Her friends will be numerous, and established quickly.  No time to dilly-dally.  If you want companionship, make friends fast.  I've been here for 48 hours and I've already got a passel of ladies with whom I would leave my girls, if necessary.  The military family is a tight-knit one.

One shy woman met us moms at the park yesterday.  Childless and obviously feeling out of her element, we welcomed her anyway.  What's your name?  Where are you stationed?  Do you know so-n-so??  What does your husband do? the necessary questions are posed first.  Newly married, she is new to the whole Air Force world.  "Oh good!" I thought, "Me too.  We can bond over being 'new'."  Then it struck me: I'm not new.  I've been in for 5 years.  I know what PCS, TDY, BDU, ABU, reclama, Monday Blue's, PMCR, sorties, and all the other "language" means.  I can name any [AF] jet correctly in seconds.  I can detect a T-1, T-6, T-38, F-16, B-2, KC-135, C-17 flying in the sky by the sound of the engines alone.  I struggle with the clash of independency and needing my husband.  I know what it's like to feel tongue-tied when one asks innocently, So, where're you from??  I'm fully submersed in the military world.  Wow... it hadn't really occurred to me.

And for our children, this will all be normal.  That's what boggles my mind.  While new and foreign to me, it fits.  It feels [mostly] comfortable, especially when we're all together.  That's why these next 6 weeks we will call this "little, tiny hotel" room home, because we are all together.  We have a Daddy, a Mama, and two crazy girls.  We get each other.  We get that Mama has a hard time relinquishing control when Daddy gets back from trips.  We get that Mama will cry - a lot - during those times.  We get that Daddy may or may not get easily frustrated with childish ways and crying while home in between trips.  We get that although the girls dote on Daddy, really... Mama is the only one that seems stable.  We get that we are resilient, but we still need our certain things: like silkies and favorite shoes, familiar perfume and that one brand of bread.  We may all be sleeping on top of each other, but we're home.  Together, we are home.

teeny tiny

So I got my wish.  To live simply - like in the olden days, right?

Totally unrelated pictures.
From a hike whilst in Colorado.

We arrived in Alabama after 18 hours of driving (split over two days).  The girls were rock-stars.  By the time we poured out of the van, both girls were in laughing hysterics.  Giggling over the slightest movement and/or noise.  Trav and I were like.... "Uhhh... poor ladies.  Too much traveling..."  Both are currently conked out in the closet.

So... ya.  This "room" were staying in for the next 6 weeks is tiny.  Teeny tiny.  It is one room --with a small kitchenette.  Thank the Lord.  A 5-foot long hallway/closet connects to the bathroom.  This is where the girls are sleeping.  I brought lots of quilts to act as room dividers.

We have internet, thankfully.  Dial-up.  Just like the olden days (right, Ma??).  Nice 'n slow...

Walking Biscuit (the grandparents' dog).
ALWAYS chattering...

Circumstances are most definitely made better or worse by one's attitude [and yesterday, I'll admit, my attitude was not so stellar], so ... here goes:

(+) We're with Trav/Daddy
(+) I have a stack of books that I've been waiting to read
(+) A sweater that is 2/3 finished (knitted) waiting for me
(+) A challenge in living in close quarters with 3 other people... a challenge we will conquer!!

That's all I can come up with for now.  But it makes a pretty good list for starters.  Here's to the next 6 weeks!  I hope to keep up with you, that is... as much as my dial-up will allow.  :-)

romantic God

I've always considered it dreamy when, upon a woman's crying, her lover would gently take his thumb and wipe away her tears.  Gently soothing, his rough, manly fingers caressing her soft, tear-stained cheeks seemed the perfect equation for romance.  Travis used to do this a lot... back in the day, when I would cry, he'd lean in and whisk my tears away.  I always loved it.

He doesn't do it so much anymore... maybe because he's become used to my tears.  Maybe because of the circumstance of tears.  Maybe because he's learned I rather like to be alone when I cry.

Tears have been common with me lately.  I'm sure (as it always is with women) that I owe this fact to a number of factors, but the MAIN culprit would be .... my husband's job.  I struggle with not wanting to complain, and I fight to be content in every circumstance, but allow me to let you in on a little secret:

I wasn't cut out for this.

And I hate the uncertainty, stress, and aloneness of military wifedom.

Yet, here I am, trying my darndest to stay afloat, remain steadfast for my girls' sake, and be strong.  Yet, along those endeavorings, I find myself closing off, to my husband and my God.  I cried with Trav, yesterday, telling him that God feels so distant, just as my husband feels distant because of our physical separation.  Weird how my relationship with my husband bleeds into my relationship with God... they fade together so indistinctly... and I see the importance (and necessity!) of staying close to both.

And then I read Revelation 21:4.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

He will wipe away my tears?  That very thought brought me back to the days of when Travis tenderly cared for me in that way.  It brought me back to my tears earlier that afternoon, and I allowed myself to imagine my God tenderly wiping my tears, holding me, murmuring, "There, there, Jenny.  I have you.  I'm right here..." the same way I coddle Summer, while her poor gums ache from teething.

This is personal.  This is for me.  A romantic God, wiping the tears of His bride.  This is hope.

the truth about my emotional digestive system

Thank you for your well wishes to our family.  This is the longest we have been separated and we missed Trav sorely.  While Trav's deployments are not as long as some, it's time spent apart, nonetheless, which requires work during the reintegration process.  I'm a fairly independent person, which some may see as a perfect fit for this type of lifestyle (re: military).  Honestly, I don't think anyone should live this way - independent or dependent.  Once you're married, you've become one flesh and parting is painful.  Living apart for months at a time becomes confusing and similar to emotional whiplash.  I'll let you into some of my rollercoasters of emotions the past few days:

He's coming home!!  I can't wait to hug him and kiss him!  I can't wait to have HELP.  The girls will be thrilled to have him around.  I'm nervous to see him.  Will he think I'm beautiful?  What if we get into a fight on our first day back?  What if everything's not as perfect as I want it to be?  What if he bugs me?  What if I bug him??  He's home!  I kinda want some alone time.  I don't want to have to share my bed... I was comfy and loved not being awoken by elbows and knees and snores...  I feel guilty for having those thoughts...  He's so handsome.  He has so much laundry... and I just cleaned the bathroom...  He can't take Bella out at this time of night - it's her bedtime!  Doesn't he understand that Summer's crying because she wants to be held?  I want my children to GO AWAY so I can have Daddy all to myself.  Why am I crying??  I feel GUILTY for needing space.  This is MY kitchen.  Oh ya... I forgot he does it that way...  Why can't I just be easy to please?


Serious whiplash.  All you military wives out there know what I'm talking about.  Thankfully, this is our 4th deployment.  And we planned for a bit of mayhem upon his return.  I've cried the past two nights in bed... and we both seem to be a bit shy on how to relate all we are feeling.  It's a weird, weird place to be in.  Husband and wife, Mama and Daddy, yet strangers.  His first night home, as I slipped into bed next to a comatose husband, I heard his phone beep with a text message.  In an instant, tears were pouring down my cheeks.  I remembered that sound... the sound of busyness and the sound of other people.  The sound of commitments and the sound of work.  The sound of reality.  We get one short week to integrate each other back into our lives.  One short week to make the new normal seem normal.  One short week to talk, catch up, work through tiffs, introduce him to life as a Dad again, and everything else life entails.  Then work will begin again...

Before he left and while he was gone, we committed to living our lives a bit differently when he returned.  Things like putting God first and each other second - things that should have been happening, but weren't.  Things like weekly dates.  Things like talking and working through problems.  Things like being with our children - as a family.  And now, it begins.  The hard work of putting our feet where our mouths were.  Putting the hand to the plow.  This integration process is hard work.

I get the comment, "I don't know how you do it" a lot.  A LOT.  Which usually elicits a smile from me, meaning, "Neither do I."  I don't like the separations.  I don't prefer the way my brain resorts to coping when he's home again, gone again (namely, a lack of feeling).  But God's put us here, for a reason.  Probably to teach me that my satisfaction and pure joy is not to lie in people or circumstances.  And after 5 years, I'm still trying to grasp at that truth.  More often than not, I fail.  But I'm trying.  As I see it, I'm quite like my two-year old daughter:

A dependent girl, with an independent spirit, trying to learn to bow my head under the Sweet Umbrella of dependency.

a surprise

I held off from telling Bella.  Because I knew she'd ask me a billion mazillion times about it before it actually happened.  And I wanted to see the look of pure wonder and excitement on her face.  So smart and yet, still so clueless.  I mean, with all the "I *heart* Daddy t-shirts and signs, driving out to the runway to meet his jet.... and she still kept asking, "What's the surprise, Mama??  What IS it??"

And when I saw him walking down the steps, out of the jet, I stopped her dancing, spinning body and pointed her in his direction.  I said, "Look, Bells.  Who is that?"

She looked at him, and then back at me, with eyes as big as saucers.  "Daddy, Mama?  Daddy!!" and then she ran to him.  Past the colonels and airmen.  Pushed her way into my husband's manly, desert-geared arms.  She wrapped those brown little arms around his neck and didn't let go for a long time.  Every now and then, she'd pop her head up to look at him, and then me, and whisper, "It's my Daddy, Mama.  It's my Daddy."  Then she'd nuzzle right back down again, breathing in her Prince Charming.

He's sleeping now; wars (and jet-lag) can work you to the bone.  But he's home... and he got it right on the nose, as he told me:

"I feel like the luckiest man alive.  I have three wonderful girls who adore me."

Yes, my man.  You do.  You are loved.  And you are home.

someone very special

Welp, we're back.  Back in the Bread Basket of America.  Back in the Great Plains.  Back in the squelching heat and oppressive humidity.  Welcome back, girls, welcome home.

Whitey and Brownie reverting to playing indoors after a HOT walk.
Thus Bella's flushed cheeks and sweaty hair.
Nothing like the midwest, peeps.

I've been a bit sparse this past month.  Mostly because I've been too busy having fun with my family to sit in front of a dern computer screen. And mostly because I've been having too much fun [laying out in the warm, mild sun; doing my sudokus; getting a tan] to think of witty, thought-provoking blog posts.  But recently, I've been busy doing a bit of outfit coordinating...

For my girls, not me...

...in preparation for this:

Someone very special is coming home today...

...and we couldn't be more thrilled.

It's been a long time.

Today is a wonderful Monday.

money can't buy happiness

"Starting tomorrow, we won't be getting paid," were Travis' words to me today.

Kinda crazy.  Really crazy, considering where we are at in life (and in the world) right now.  Crazy that someone thousands of miles away from us can determine that my hard-working husband won't get paid.  And he can't exactly picket or walk out on his job.  

Thankfully, we have a savings account and emergency fund.  And thankfully, he technically is getting paid, we just aren't "getting the pay..." if that makes any sense.  It doesn't to me.  I mean, it does.  But it doesn't.  Everyone 'round these parts is going nuts.  75% of my friends on facebook are military, so I'm seeing pretty much the same statuses... "WE'RE NOT GETTING PAID AND MY HUSBAND IS DEPLOYED FIGHTING FOR OUR COUNTRY!!!"  Got it.  Ya.  Me too.

Trav's commander left him with this admonishment, to which I will try to adhere:

Please don't get swept up in the Politics of all of this and make/post derogatory comments towards any of your Chain of Command or Commander in Chief.  That will not help the situation.

So, money can't buy happiness... and neither can the lack of money!  But, here are some things that are making me happy:

 1. Baking cookies with this lil' lass for Daddy.

- she's doing better -

2. Watching this wee one enjoy the sun.

3. Watching these two enjoy each other in the sun.

4. Training my mini-me how to wear flowers in your hair.

She's stubborn, though, and think they look better put in backwards.

My, my... whom have I begotten?