smile on, my darling

As I was folding my laundry this afternoon, I sat watching Bells color.  Her wild and crazy hair was everywhere and beautiful... and I had to capture the moment.  She has a very unique beauty to me.  Her eye color and hair color and skin color are all that gooey-honey-golden brown that reminds me of warmth and spices and jewels.

I snapped a few shots of her before she asked me to take one of her holding her picture.  I noticed, as I have been noticing the past few months, that she smiles with her mouth closed.  Wondering why she does, I asked her.  I asked why she doesn't show her teeth when she smiles for the camera.

She smiled, kinda embarrassed, and said quietly that when she smiles all her teeth don't show.  Surprised that she's even noticed this, I quickly told her her teeth are beautiful and I love every smile she gives.

Yes, she murmured, but I just think when I smile with my teeth, people will think I'm sss....  She stopped and covered her mouth.

Silly? I completed her sentence.

No.  Her head was ducked and I was strangely confused at this behavior.  She seemed ashamed and I hadn't meant or known that my question would prompt this discussion.  She continued... the word that you don't like us saying, Mama.  Stupid.  I think people would think I'm stupid because all my teeth don't show.

I believe my heart broke right then.  How could she think that?  I'm looking at her and seeing the dearest, sweetest, spunkiest, lovely little 4-year old... and she's afraid of Stupid.  No.  I don't want her seeing Stupid when all I see is Beauty.  Unique Beauty.  Travis, who was sitting across the room, connected eyes with me and whispered, I never knew she thought about it.

Both your smiles are lovely, my Bella.  Everyone's smile is different, and if you feel more comfortable smiling with your mouth closed, that's fine.  But just know that no one thinks you're stupid.  And I love both your smiles best.

She smiled.

And then I took another picture.

"God is everywhere!"

"Mom, do you want to know something?" she asked excitedly.
"Yes, I sure do," I said.  I love when these questions come out of her mouth.

"Mom, did you know that God is everywhere??" she waves her arms around her little body.

"Well, yes, I did, Bella.  Who told you that?"

"Auntie Kate told me.  In Charlotte's little church last week.  She said that God was with Jonah when he was in the belly of the big fish.  And He's EVERYWHERE!  And He's even with us now in this car!"

"Yes, yes... He is, Bella.  And that's why I love Him.  Just like the verse we learned, Hebrews 13:5 'I will never leave you, nor forsake you.'  He is always with us."

"Ya.  And He's always with us... even when bery, BERY bad things happen to us.  Even when it's dark and scary.  Even if you gets blood on you... and a band-aid, God is there with you, Mama.  He is."

And then my heart swelled.  With love for that little girl.  And the truth poured into her life.  And her ability to slowly soak it in.  And with love for God - that He is always with us.  Even when it's dark and scary.


We're headed to CHLA on Monday to meet up with her surgeon.  I hope she can remember that God is with her always, as she is deathly afraid of doctors.  If you notice the the above picture, she has broken blood vessels around her eyes from screaming her head off while getting her blood taken for allergy testing.  God will be with us on Monday, and we shall not be afraid.

a cleft update

Last night, we traveled up to our nearest Children's Hospital for Bella's annual Cleft Lip/Palate clinic (which took place today).  It's the one day a year that she sees doctors relating to every level of having a cleft lip/palate:
- dentist
- surgeon
- speech pathologist
- nutritionist
- social worker
- ENT
- hearing checked

We verbally prepared her beforehand for what would take place (lots of prodding and poking - two things she's not so fond of, especially when it comes to her mouth).  She did good, overall.  The first doctor she saw was the dentist.  Didn't go so well.  She actually screamed her head off and burst little blood vessels around her eyes.  That's my Bella!  :)  But she and I had a heart-to-heart afterwards, while she went potty, and she was able to control her fear better with the remaining doctors.  The conversation went something like this:

B: I just don't want to see any more doctors!  *sniffling still*


Me: I know, Bella, but we have to.  And, in fact, we're going to see at least one more doctor that's going to want to look in your mouth again.


B: *starts crying again* But I don't want to have them do that anymore.  I don't want to DO IT ANYMORE!!


Me:  Bella.  It'll be okay.  Nothing will hurt, they just want to see.  Be brave, baby.  Mama and Daddy are going to be there the whole time.


B: But I just don't wanna!!


Me:  Why not?  What are you feeling?


B: I'm just scared and I don't wanna.


Me: Why are you scared?


B: I just don't like them touching my mouth and teeth and stuff. It's MY mouth.


Me: I know, sweetheart.  But these doctors are just trying to help you.  They won't be unkind.  I would never let anyone unkind touch you.  You just must be brave.

The whole thing just breaks my Mama's heart.  Watching her sit on the potty, with her tan little legs dangling and she's crying that she just doesn't want anyone to touch her mouth anymore.  I just about said, "I hear ya, sister!  Let's bust this joint!"  But I didn't.  And we didn't.  We were brave and she rock-starred the rest of the day.

I left with heavy emotions, as I often do when thinking about what lies ahead for our girl.  Speech therapy needs to be started right away.  The rest will follow in 4-5 years.
First, she'll need a palate expansion to prepare her for the bone grafting of her gums.
Then, the bone grafting surgery, which will require two surgeries, spaced six months apart because of the enormity of the surgeries.
Then, another expansion of her palate, along with braces.
Another surgery on her upper lip/nose.
And when she's anywhere from 16-19 years old, jaw surgery, to repair her severe under-bite.

Today was the first time we heard all the details laid out in a timeline.  If you would have held a stethoscope up to my heart at that moment you would have heard one word beating over and over: UGH.  If I could take her place, I would.  In a heartbeat.  The surgeries sound tough, there's no doubt about it.  But the emotional trip this will be sounds tougher.  All I can do is pray, even though it seems like an impossibly stupid, NOT-GOING-TO-HAPPEN prayer request, that our Bella girl will rise above the teasing, the lost friendships, the potential boys going after Summer instead of her, the initial weird stares, and believe-know she is loved beyond measure and beautiful beyond compare.  I pray she will know and TRUST that she is made perfectly in His image and nothing could make her more precious.

It seems an impossible prayer because, well, doesn't every woman struggle with self-image issues at one point or another?  And it seems improbable, because, well, she has a scarred face.  But, I'm going to pray it anyhow.  I'm going to pray and pray and teach and rear and instruct and mirror and PRAY my darndest for it to be just so.  And I'm going to Pray my knees off for that girl... because I'm her mother.  And I love her so.

she can stand on her own two feet

(Photo credit: Jim Jeffrey)

Mimi, Summer, Bella and I visited the city public library this afternoon.  I love libraries.  So does Mimi.  And Bella's quickly following suit.  I won't digress further, but ... really, I love libraries.

While enjoying the children's section, Bella found a friend.  A little girl, around five years of age.  They sat at the table together, dissecting puzzles, chit-chatting back and forth.  As I searched for familiar titles, I kept my eye on my girl, quietly listening to her conversation.  A sweet conversation that showed me the beauty of the confidence of a two-year old.

Girl: What's your name?

Bella: My name is Bella June!

Girl: Well, how old are you?

Bella: I two on my birfday cake!

Girl: What?

Bella: I two on my birfday cake.

Girl: What are you saying?

Bella: I just two.

Girl: Oh.  Well, what happened right there? (pointing to Bella's scar on her lip)

Bella: *quietly staring at the girl, looking confused* 

Girl: I said, what happened right there??

Bella: *still confused* You have an owie??

Girl: No!  You do!  What happened right there?  And why do you talk so weird??

Bella: I just talk!  Nuffing happened.  I just Beautiful Bella.  I just Bella.

Girl: Oh.

Bella: Ya.

Yes, my sweet girl.  You are simply Beautiful Bella.  You are simply you... and I love you.

the beginning

Bella and I were panning through pictures this morning on my facebook page.  Pictures that I've had as my profile picture since my facebook account began.  Beginning with the most recent and traveling backwards, we both delighted in seeing various ones of Mama and Daddy kissing, or witnessing Bella regress in age at the click of a button.  The younger she became, the more she questioned, "Who's that, Mama?"

And then we got to this picture:

and curiously enough, I felt nervous.  I glanced over at her to see her reaction.  She was studying this beautiful baby on the screen, and then inquired, "What's THAT, Mama?" as she pointed to the ball hanging off her nose.  I felt as if a pop-quiz had just been announced.  As if I was being asked the dreaded "birds and the bees" question from 2-year old.  I wanted to explain everything... her face, my love for that face, the beauty of that face, the perfect plan in God creating that face.  I didn't want her to see ugly.

Yet, she's only 2.  She was simply curious - not questioning God in why He made her that way.  Simply inquisitive - not bitter at life, at her scars, at the difference between her face and the other girls.  But it was the beginning.

I explained that God made her lip special that way.  It is called a cleft lip - and she repeated me: "Cwef wip." And Mama and Daddy loved how beautiful she was.  But God gave us some doctors to fix it and make it all better so she could eat and drink easier.  
"Ya.  God gave us Doctors!  Mama and Daddy love baby Bella."

Yep.  And that was good enough.  She wanted to visit that picture again and again.  And each time, she repeated the truth that I had explained.
"God gave us Doctors!  Mama and Daddy love baby Bella."

I love this girl.

PC and birthday preparations

I'm not usually (read: never) into all the politically correct (PC) hoop-la, but I thought I would share a motherly opinion about cleft lips.  Please, never refer to it as a harelip, especially to the mother/father/person.  In the past two weeks or so, I've had more than one person come and question me about "your daughter's harelip..." and each time, it rather shocks me.  I guess it's not a huge deal, but just comes across rather crass-like and inconsiderate.  As if the clefting were some sort of disgusting deformity, rather than my daughter's beautiful mouth/nose.  ....  Any other parents or people with cleft lips disagree?  It might just be my own opinion, but I'd love to hear others...

Our weekend was uneventful, but enjoyed.  The weather was glorious and made for lots of time outside.  Travis did a really good job of managing his time with his master's schoolwork and was able to spend lots of time with Bella when she was awake - which we both appreciated.  He also just recently learned how to make popcorn on the stove, and wanted to surprise us with his culinary skills one night before we watched a little movie together........  The popcorn was great, there was just an excess of it!  We'll work on the right measurements later...

I'm almost done with Bella's jacket!!  Can't wait to show you pictures... I do have this awful feeling that it might not fit her for long (read: only a month or two).  Oh well... good thing we're having a girl next.  :-)

Must get going... have lots to do today and this week before our birthday adventure begins... more on that later!!!

tid bits

• I found this little treasure at the thrift store yesterday:

... for $3.  She ooh-ed and ahhh-ed when I presented it to her and promptly said, "Buy it, Mama?"
Bought it, we did, and every baby and stuffed animal has enjoyed a scrumptious feast - ranging from crayons to pieces of mulch from outside.

(Yes, the Frankenstein, ex-Halloween bag is her crayon holder purse.  She loves it, too.)

• I just attempted my first batch at homemade granola.  Trav's been begging me to make some ever since he tasted my mom's recipe our first year of marriage.  I found a recipe in a magazine and was reminded of my wifely duties.  So, I just pulled it out of the oven and my kitchen smells glorious, if I do say so myself!

• The four days that Trav and Bella spent together has bonded them eternally.  From the time she gets up til the time he comes home from work, I hear the phrase, "Where KaEe go?" about 20,547 times.  And when he does finally arrive home, after his gruelingly LONG stressful days... not much could make him feel more appreciated than a pair of chubby, tan legs running as fast as they can into his arms, shouting "YAYAYAY!!! KaEE!!!!"

• We met with the Speech Therapist yesterday and she was blown away by Bella's progress.  She said that Bella is ahead of the curve in every way and doing so well.  "You have a smart young lady on your hands," were her exact words.  I told Trav that I'm never quite sure how to respond when I hear those things.  Part Most of me wants to grin like a silly schoolgirl and tell the whole world how smart my baby is... but then, I don't want to appear like one of those foolish mothers that claim their child is a genius, at age 1.  :-)  But, I am proud, in a happy, full-heart sort of way.  She's come a long way.

Good morning, Saturday!!

This is what my blessed eyes beheld as I came downstairs this morning:

Mmm-mmm MMM!!

(Oh, and the waffles were yummy too...)

Can't get much better than a cowboy and ready-made breakfast in your very own kitchen on a rainy Saturday morning.  

Bella's appointments went well, for those of you who are curious.  No more surgeries until she's between four and six years of age.  Just waiting and watching how her speech and palate will develop over the next couple years.  And here she is modeling her head bow during Day #3.  Getting easier... but still have to bribe with a cookie.  

Andy and Kellie - you wouldn't mind if Bella had chocolate smeared around her lips while walking down the aisle, would you???  I thought not...

deciphering a language

Bella's speech has taken off these past few weeks.  Every day I'm hearing new words and learning to understand more and more of what's coming out of that sweet mouth.  Although I'm very proud of her ability to communicate [mostly] effectively with us, her parents, she does have a set back to her speech:

She only uses 5 consonants - the last two, mainly:

H - at the beginning of words

G - only at the beginning of a word

N - only at the beginning of a word

M - at the beginning and end of most words

K - at the beginning and end of most words

She is involved in speech therapy and we've been working with her much on making other sounds and trying to train her lip muscles to do certain things (i.e. blowing bubbles, blowing out, spitting, kissing, etc.), but haven't seen much progress.

I'm not too concerned, seeing as she is only 19-months and seeing how much improvement in her speech/communication I've seen just in the last month or so.  It does create somewhat of a communication barrier, though, as many, MANY words sound the same.  Here is an example:

Moke = milk

Mike = bike

Mahk = walk

Mook = book

Mow = Meow (her kitty)

Kiiiiii  = climb

KaEe = Daddy

Kock = park

Kuck = truck

Ka = car

Kuuu = juice

I often find myself either: (a) very proud if I can decipher, using situational awareness and context, what she wants/needs/is saying; or (b) confused at how other people (like her father) can't understand what she's saying!  Duh!!

In other news, she's been calling Travis and me "KaEe-Ko" and "Mama-Mo" (respectively) the past 4-5 days.  It's cracking us up.  Here's a little bit of me catching it on tape...

---------------------
P.S. - Thanks to Caitlin James for all the awesome park photo shoot!  Love them...

beautiful

I, like every mother and father, want my daughter to know she is beautiful.

From the moment we found out about our unborn baby's cleft lip and palate, I prayed all the harder for a boy, so our sweet daughter wouldn't have to deal with a scarred face.  From the moment we found out, weeks later, we were having a girl, we immediately felt an uncanny sense of protection for her.  We were clueless to the ropes of parenting and didn't have the slightest idea of how much we would truly & passionately love this daughter of ours, but we deeply desired for her to know that, no matter her looks, she is beautiful to us.  Thus, we named her Bella.

Ever since she was born, she has received comments and stares from people, which is to be expected - for she looked different than other children.  But those comments and stares always fell on Travis' and my shoulders - she was too young to comprehend her deformed face.  We were the ones that needed to grow tough skin, be strong, hold back our eager tongues and threatening tears.

In the past two weeks, it's happened about three times.  She gets ridiculed, or blatantly stared at, or told she looks weird.  She's almost 18 months old and she's understanding a lot more than I think she does.  I'm wondering when the day will come when she realizes that she's not "lovely", as the world defines it.  Spunky, cute, full of life - yes.  But lovely, not to the untrained eye.  And being lovely means a lot to a girl, especially if you're going to hear about it all growing up.

So, it's up to us, her parents, to train her, guide her, enlighten her... that it's not what's on the outside that counts, but the inside.  Inner beauty is more important than outer beauty.  Beauty isn't everything.  What people say don't matter.  Don't worry about your looks, focus on your character.  All phrases that are easy to say, but not so easy to believe... not even for me.

A couple days ago, however, after I got her ready for the day, I told her how pretty she looked.  I was letting her try on her various summer hats she has stored away in her drawer.  Putting her down, she ran to her Daddy and stood in front of him, still as could be.  And that sweet man bent down, looked her all over and smiled enormously.  "Ohhhh Bella!  You look so pretty!"  Amazingly enough, the girl blushed!!!  She tilted her head to the side, smiled bashfully, and then looked up at him again, eager for more praise.  Lifting her small body, he brought her to the mirror and showed her how pretty she was.  You should have seen her smile - it was as bright as the sun.  We eventually put her down and went about our business.  Coming into the room moments later, I found her, still in front of the mirror, enamored with her reflection.  Smiling, making faces, playing peek-a-boo, and staring some more - face aglow - she was lovely.

I understand that most children are enamored with their reflection and Bella is no exception.  But, to my mother's heart, it was a precious moment for me.  She was beautiful in her own eyes and I felt the need to sit back, soak it in, and treasure those moments.  I know this area might be extremely difficult for her down the road, I know she'll be hurt many times, and I know that Travis and I will stroke her unruly hair and soothe her dampened spirit one day in the not too distant future.  But, right now at 18-months old, she sees herself - uneven nostrils, flattened nose, stiffly scarred upper lip - and loves what she beholds.  I can't help but think God is glorified in that small, little act.

1 year

It dawned on me this morning that one year ago today was Bella's first surgery.  Travis had just arrived home from his first deployment, we had been together as a family for less than 24-hours, and we admitted our 4-month old to CHLA for her first major, 3-hour surgery.  I was an absolute mess: crying constantly, feeling uncomfortable around Travis, nausea sweeping over me every time I glanced at my darling's new face...

Let's just say, I'm so happy to be living January 28, 2010 today instead of January 28, 2009.

yikes

Most of the time, I find myself complaining about being in the military. Maybe not so much out loud as it is to myself. I whine about:
- not being able to pick where I live
- having my husband gone 6 months out of the year (if not more)
- being at the complete mercy of the AF in all situations
- having to report/take leave if we travel more than 100 miles away
- not being able to plan, but expected to be flexible and accepting
- putting our country's needs above our family's needs
... and the list could go on and on.

And then we get something like THIS in the mail, and God stops me in my complaining tracks and says, "See how I provide for you???"

This is our balance after Bella's last surgery.

$20,990.75 for the actual surgery.

$1,959 for the ambulance ride to the main hospital after her hemorrhaging issue.

$184 for the pre/post-op appointments.

Grand totaling to $23,133.75.

How much our insurance covers with Travis being active duty?

EV.ER.Y.THING. We pay zip, nada, zilch. And this was just 1 of 4 surgeries she had this past year.

So, shut your mouth, Jenny Elizabeth, and be grateful for what you have been given. Yes, I certainly will mindful to do so.

all healed up!

We had Bella's post-op check-up yesterday with her surgeon and team. It was our first good look at her palate as well, as we haven't been too keen on prying her mouth open to see. The palate is healing up great, according to her surgeon. It definitely doesn't look like a "normal" palate, to me, but it has closed off the nasal cavity and skin will eventually graft and grow together to create a more "normal" look. Amazing. How do you thank someone who just fixed your daughter's mouth? I always feel so silly saying thank you, but really, deep in my heart I feel such gratitude for his skill and ability to better my daughter's life. It's a hard feeling to describe.

Talked some more with the RN of the cleft palate team and realized that the hard & soft palate BOTH were created this last surgery. Didn't know that, for some reason. Which means, she won't be needing surgery for about 5 years or so. Travis and I both walked away from this appointment feeling slightly strange. No surgeries on the horizon, no appointments needing to be made, no revisions to our daughter??? What to do, then, with our child?? This past year has been so full of huge decisions needing to be made, appointments being set up, countless phone calls with our insurance, questions for Bella's case manager, scheduling Trav's work around surgeries and appt's. We feel strangely free... like, you mean we just get to watch her grow and have fun like a regular little kid??? Cool! Granted, she'll probably be starting speech therapy pretty soon, and she'll need major dental work, and possible surgeries could arise out of either of those two situations........... but for now, we're free and I'm ready to fly!

She's really doing well. Every day brings a better attitude, more of our "old" Bella back, and more healing. The past two nights, she's only woken up once in the middle. She's only on motrin now, no more morphine; and she's off liquids and onto soft foods. The arm restraints are gone and all in all, we're just a happier clan.

updates

Gosh. Again, I just thank you all for your prayers. SOOO many people have been telling us how they prayed for Bella and how they continue to offer prayers for us. I know God is working. This surgery was difficult, but just seems like we have the most peace throughout it all. I know God is listening and working.

Bella is doing well. Recovery hasn't been too bad... the meds are keeping her comfortable and we are trying to give it to her only as needed, so the weaning won't be too bad later on. Feeding has been not so pleasant, as she is still wary of anything going near her mouth. We are feeding her only liquids this week, through this device:

It's a syringe with a skinny, silicone tube connected at the end to go in her mouth. It's working pretty well and we're becoming more and more creative with what foods we can puree to give her. I know she's anxious to get back to "people food" as she gets pretty jealous when she sees us eating.
She's been super cuddly since her surgery. Always wanting to be in either Daddy's or my arms. We don't mind at all, as she's usually so busy and moving all the time. For now, she's content to be held, loved, and kissed quite often.

Trav has been home this weekend, and even took off the next 3 days from work to help with Bella. From the way things are going with her, I feel like I could be fine with him being at work during the day, but I'm not going to complain with him home! Gives us plenty of time to connect (which there is never enough of!) and spend time as a family. I'm really treasuring watching Bella and he connect as father and daughter. It's precious.

I've started working on Bella's "big-girl" quilt. I want to make her one to put on her bed when she finally moves into a big-girl bed. I don't expect that to happen soon, but knowing how long sewing projects take me, I thought I should start now. Here's where I got my idea. I love it.

home

We are home. It's kinda a weird feeling, because we were only gone for 2 days, but my world has spun around at least 24,000 times in crazy circles since I've last stepped foot in this house. Bella looks no different on the outside (a good thing, in my books!) this time, yet again, she's been through the gamut and back. So... some different feelings this surgery, but all in all, we are just SO HAPPY to have this one behind our backs.

We had a sleepless night. You know how it is in hospitals, nurses coming and going - giving meds, taking vitals, checking stats. Bella was uncomfortable most of the night, thus we were too. So, we all got around 3 hours of sleep or so. I don't exactly know what I'm doing up right now, except that I have to give Bella her next round of pain meds in 30 minutes so I'm trying to stay awake til then.

Bella woke up pretty cheery this morning and was itching to get up and walk around. We convinced the nurse to unhook her IV and heart monitors for a while so we could "play." She loved walking around, yet had to get used to these obnoxious arm restraints. They really are funny looking, very Frankenstein. She must wear these for a week. Yuck. Trav took her for a little wagon ride. By the end of her play time, she was soooooo zoned out. Drugged up with not much sleep... she just kept staring at us with these HUGE eyes... cracked us up. Made for a good nap on the drive home.

So, we're home. We're settling back in. Lots of work and church friends have meals lined up to bring us til mid-next week! So grateful for good friends like that. Thank you all... oh, and here's a small video of Bella walking around the hospital room with her casts before we were discharged. Good night!

surgery update 3

Hi again.

Bella is sleeping soundly on Trav's chest, so I got another chance to post. It kinda seems crazy to me to get on the computer in the midst of all this drama, but I know so many - so many - of you have prayed, pleaded with God today on our behalf. So I only feel 'tis proper to update you.

We have been transferred to a bigger hospital nearby that has 24 hour-ER/OR running. Bella's bleeding has subsided, after extreme measures were taken to stop the clotting/blood flow. She is now fully drugged up and at rest, but they still wanted to transfer us, just in case the bleeding began again. If it happens again, they may have to do more surgery, but at this point in time, it's looking positive for us. They told us that out of the thousands of palate surgeries our dr. has done, this is the 3rd time this has occurred (excessive bleeding). Go figure - if the chances are rare, it'll happen to us. :-)

We both feel exhausted - emotionally and physically. But, I also feel as though my parental instincts are in full throttle and I don't feel the peace of mind to fall asleep. I know she's hooked up to a billion monitors and such, but I still feel somewhat wary. Anxious to get home and sleep in our own beds.

Well, that's all for now. Hopefully will get discharged sometime tomorrow if everything holds up fine. Thanks again for your prayers and sweet, encouraging words.

surgery update 2

Recovery is not going so good. Bella's mouth is bleeding quite a bit and having very large clots forming. Plenty of nurses are coming in holding her down, digging clots out, etc. The doctor has been called to come up from surgery to check, as this is a bit beyond normal. Needless to say, Trav and I are basket-cases. She screams uncontrollably and I can't seem to give her any comfort for longer than 10 minutes, the time in which more blood clots form and choke her. Sorry if this is graphic. Just need more prayer. I'm feeling so drained.

surgery update

Hi friends,

Just a quick update. Bella's physician just came out and let us know he had completed the surgery and that everything went well. Her palate is closed! Gosh, I can't believe it. I think the full impact of the blessing of a closed palate will hit me later, in intervals, as we experience the repercussions over the next few weeks.

She will be in recovery for the next hour or so before we can see her, then we must stay overnight so they can monitor her and control any oral bleeding. But other than that, we think we'll be able to return home tomorrow.

Praise the Lord for her surgeon and his amazing skills. Thank you for all your prayers. Will update more later, possibly with pictures.

when it rains...

... it pours!! Last night, Trav and I both woke up to some furious thunder and lightning and it's been going off and on all day today. Kinda fun, but not so fun when you PULL A MUSCLE IN YOUR BACK first thing in the morning (YES, that would be ME, today!) and Daddy has need of the one car all day, thus leaving your stranded with a one year old in the house. Ya, it was kinda a hard day... but we had fun nonetheless. Making forts out of pillows, making a mess all over the house, snacking, napping, playing with toys, and I even let her go play in the puddles when the rain took a break. She liked it until she realized she was all wet... then she began to cry and trying to crawl up my leg. Warm bath time!

We leave to travel to the Children's Hospital tomorrow for Bella's palate surgery on Thursday. Ugh. This surgery has been looming ahead for so long and I've been dreading it, especially the last couple weeks. My heart has felt so sick and heavy at the prospect of what most people call "the most difficult surgery." I don't know if it's because I know what's coming, or I feel more attached to Bella at this age, or what! but I feel so anxious. Every night, tears have been present just thinking about handing her to the physicians. And if someone broaches the subject, I nearly start crying. Anxiety is usually not a disposition I'm prone to have, so I know I must offer all my worries and fears to my Maker and Bella's Maker and trust Him to give me peace. I know that the palate surgery will be good in the end, but often I just wish we could leave Bella alone and allow her to be as is. She is so happy and perfect to me, I wish there wasn't so many necessary changes that have to be made to my little Dolly.

Enough about that. I will leave you with a picture of our little lass eating a chocolate chip cookie tonight. She kept making circles in the house - going from one room to the next, chomping on that cookie. She was as happy as a lark... definitely takes after me when it comes to chocolate!

tubes

Little Miss Bella underwent anesthesia again this morning - her third time in 5 months. Yet, this time there was no stress, no blood, no tears (for us, anyway). She had tubes put in her ears to help drain all the fluid that is stuck behind her ear drums, thus causing all the ear infections. And perfect timing, because she was up every couple hours last night crying, with a slight fever - I'm assuming it was her ears again. It was an early morning for us all, but she's back to her old self again - smiling and bewitching us all.

Amazing how easy this seemed compared to her last two surgeries. I barely had time to flip through a whole magazine while in the waiting room! Trav and I couldn't help but exchange knowing smiles, each thinking how "old hat" it felt to hand our daughter off to a surgeon, but so glad she would be returned to us practically unscathed. It was wonderful to snuggle her in my arms, not afraid to bump or jerk her too hard. We're not looking forward to her next surgery in 3+ months, but enjoyed a relatively simple hospital experience today.