a cleft update

Last night, we traveled up to our nearest Children's Hospital for Bella's annual Cleft Lip/Palate clinic (which took place today).  It's the one day a year that she sees doctors relating to every level of having a cleft lip/palate:
- dentist
- surgeon
- speech pathologist
- nutritionist
- social worker
- ENT
- hearing checked

We verbally prepared her beforehand for what would take place (lots of prodding and poking - two things she's not so fond of, especially when it comes to her mouth).  She did good, overall.  The first doctor she saw was the dentist.  Didn't go so well.  She actually screamed her head off and burst little blood vessels around her eyes.  That's my Bella!  :)  But she and I had a heart-to-heart afterwards, while she went potty, and she was able to control her fear better with the remaining doctors.  The conversation went something like this:

B: I just don't want to see any more doctors!  *sniffling still*


Me: I know, Bella, but we have to.  And, in fact, we're going to see at least one more doctor that's going to want to look in your mouth again.


B: *starts crying again* But I don't want to have them do that anymore.  I don't want to DO IT ANYMORE!!


Me:  Bella.  It'll be okay.  Nothing will hurt, they just want to see.  Be brave, baby.  Mama and Daddy are going to be there the whole time.


B: But I just don't wanna!!


Me:  Why not?  What are you feeling?


B: I'm just scared and I don't wanna.


Me: Why are you scared?


B: I just don't like them touching my mouth and teeth and stuff. It's MY mouth.


Me: I know, sweetheart.  But these doctors are just trying to help you.  They won't be unkind.  I would never let anyone unkind touch you.  You just must be brave.

The whole thing just breaks my Mama's heart.  Watching her sit on the potty, with her tan little legs dangling and she's crying that she just doesn't want anyone to touch her mouth anymore.  I just about said, "I hear ya, sister!  Let's bust this joint!"  But I didn't.  And we didn't.  We were brave and she rock-starred the rest of the day.

I left with heavy emotions, as I often do when thinking about what lies ahead for our girl.  Speech therapy needs to be started right away.  The rest will follow in 4-5 years.
First, she'll need a palate expansion to prepare her for the bone grafting of her gums.
Then, the bone grafting surgery, which will require two surgeries, spaced six months apart because of the enormity of the surgeries.
Then, another expansion of her palate, along with braces.
Another surgery on her upper lip/nose.
And when she's anywhere from 16-19 years old, jaw surgery, to repair her severe under-bite.

Today was the first time we heard all the details laid out in a timeline.  If you would have held a stethoscope up to my heart at that moment you would have heard one word beating over and over: UGH.  If I could take her place, I would.  In a heartbeat.  The surgeries sound tough, there's no doubt about it.  But the emotional trip this will be sounds tougher.  All I can do is pray, even though it seems like an impossibly stupid, NOT-GOING-TO-HAPPEN prayer request, that our Bella girl will rise above the teasing, the lost friendships, the potential boys going after Summer instead of her, the initial weird stares, and believe-know she is loved beyond measure and beautiful beyond compare.  I pray she will know and TRUST that she is made perfectly in His image and nothing could make her more precious.

It seems an impossible prayer because, well, doesn't every woman struggle with self-image issues at one point or another?  And it seems improbable, because, well, she has a scarred face.  But, I'm going to pray it anyhow.  I'm going to pray and pray and teach and rear and instruct and mirror and PRAY my darndest for it to be just so.  And I'm going to Pray my knees off for that girl... because I'm her mother.  And I love her so.