Thank you for your well wishes to our family. This is the longest we have been separated and we missed Trav sorely. While Trav's deployments are not as long as some, it's time spent apart, nonetheless, which requires work during the reintegration process. I'm a fairly independent person, which some may see as a perfect fit for this type of lifestyle (re: military). Honestly, I don't think anyone should live this way - independent or dependent. Once you're married, you've become one flesh and parting is painful. Living apart for months at a time becomes confusing and similar to emotional whiplash. I'll let you into some of my rollercoasters of emotions the past few days:
He's coming home!! I can't wait to hug him and kiss him! I can't wait to have HELP. The girls will be thrilled to have him around. I'm nervous to see him. Will he think I'm beautiful? What if we get into a fight on our first day back? What if everything's not as perfect as I want it to be? What if he bugs me? What if I bug him?? He's home! I kinda want some alone time. I don't want to have to share my bed... I was comfy and loved not being awoken by elbows and knees and snores... I feel guilty for having those thoughts... He's so handsome. He has so much laundry... and I just cleaned the bathroom... He can't take Bella out at this time of night - it's her bedtime! Doesn't he understand that Summer's crying because she wants to be held? I want my children to GO AWAY so I can have Daddy all to myself. Why am I crying?? I feel GUILTY for needing space. This is MY kitchen. Oh ya... I forgot he does it that way... Why can't I just be easy to please?
Serious whiplash. All you military wives out there know what I'm talking about. Thankfully, this is our 4th deployment. And we planned for a bit of mayhem upon his return. I've cried the past two nights in bed... and we both seem to be a bit shy on how to relate all we are feeling. It's a weird, weird place to be in. Husband and wife, Mama and Daddy, yet strangers. His first night home, as I slipped into bed next to a comatose husband, I heard his phone beep with a text message. In an instant, tears were pouring down my cheeks. I remembered that sound... the sound of busyness and the sound of other people. The sound of commitments and the sound of work. The sound of reality. We get one short week to integrate each other back into our lives. One short week to make the new normal seem normal. One short week to talk, catch up, work through tiffs, introduce him to life as a Dad again, and everything else life entails. Then work will begin again...
Before he left and while he was gone, we committed to living our lives a bit differently when he returned. Things like putting God first and each other second - things that should have been happening, but weren't. Things like weekly dates. Things like talking and working through problems. Things like being with our children - as a family. And now, it begins. The hard work of putting our feet where our mouths were. Putting the hand to the plow. This integration process is hard work.
I get the comment, "I don't know how you do it" a lot. A LOT. Which usually elicits a smile from me, meaning, "Neither do I." I don't like the separations. I don't prefer the way my brain resorts to coping when he's home again, gone again (namely, a lack of feeling). But God's put us here, for a reason. Probably to teach me that my satisfaction and pure joy is not to lie in people or circumstances. And after 5 years, I'm still trying to grasp at that truth. More often than not, I fail. But I'm trying. As I see it, I'm quite like my two-year old daughter:
A dependent girl, with an independent spirit, trying to learn to bow my head under the Sweet Umbrella of dependency.
7 comments:
Oh Jenny you are an open book and this is by far my favorite post.
Jenny,
I'm sure this re-entry period is very, very difficult and confusing. I can only imagine!! I appreciate your candid comments and wish I could just come over and give you a hug (with some chocolate chips cookies in hand too). I'll be praying for you guys in this transition! So thankful for all your family does for our country!
Love, Nikki
just wanted to say that I love you friend!
Jenny,
As a mother you are amazing and your doing a spectacular job.
As a wife, you care, that's what matters and caring means you are doing a spectacular job.
As a blogger on the web, the way you share your emotions, you are doing a spectacular job.
I know deployments are hard, my Josh was gone for 7 months last year, next month will be a year since he has been back. But prayer and patience is what it takes.
Life is hard, but remember Christ never gave us more than what we can handle. I had so many similar posts to this when Josh was gone. :)
You can do it mama!
emotional whiplash describes it so well. . . praying for you. xxxxxx
I am going to pray especially hard for you these next few weeks as you transition back into togetherness. I will pray that you BOTH will stay committed to your decision for a less hectic lifestyle. I know how you do it, Jenny... you do it in the strength of the Lord!
Hang in there!
Jenny, you said it perfectly. Everything you say here is so true of us military wives and the thoughts and feelings we go through during reintegration. I pray your next few weeks go smoothly with not too many bumps :)
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