When I have time to reflect upon life (and I love those moments, though they are few and far between nowadays), I find I love what I'm doing. I love caring for the girls, being married to Travis, living a simple life. Yes, it's tiring mothering little ones. Yes, it can be monotonous, too. But, it's fleeting, these young years... life is always changing. And when I reflect on my life, I wonder if my life will ever amount to anything great. I used to crave that so desperately - to be someone great, well-known, heroic. I wanted my life to matter.
As I've grown, and am growing, the importance seems to matter less. Now, I see the bigness of life and the responsibility that comes with it all. Daunting, isn't it? I simply want to do well with what I've been given: a husband, children, the military. And, I want to write.
Yes, the answer to the phrased question above, for me, is to publish a book. If I knew I couldn't fail, I'd write a book as fast as you could say Jiminy Cricket. The desire is so strong, but I'm afraid of failure.
I'm afraid people will think, "She actually believes she can write well enough to author a book??" I'm afraid I'll pour myself into it, and no one will want to publish. I'm afraid I'll spend every best effort I have... only to re-read my finished product and find that, I, even I don't like my own writing.
I wish we weren't so afraid to fail. If only failure could be something beautiful. Something accepted and not feared. Frivolity and freedom would reign.
Could you tell me? What would do you if you knew you could not fail? It's rather freeing just saying it out loud... but you could even pose as anonymous if it made you feel safer. What would you do? I wonder...
12 comments:
You do write well enough to publish. :)
oh Jenny, Mom and I were just talking about this Saturday, we are so sure you would be great, we love your writing, it truly is a gift from God, and would definitely encourage others, I will pray for you as you contemplate it. love and hugs
Firstly, you DO matter. You matter to your girls and your husband and your family. It may not be the "matter" that you dreamed of when younger, but you do, indeed, matter.
If I couldn't fail, I would draw, paint, sketch, and do all things art.
Love this Jenny!
I want to write a book too, incidentally.
And you should TOtally go for it! Why not? I actually think it is easier today than ever to break into publishing. I have a friend who is a theologian who actually self-published his book because no one would pick it up, and it was so good and sold so many copies that a publisher DID pick it up.
You're awesome. Publish away! :)
Such a great post! And you have lovely writing; I'm sure any book of yours would be excellent!
I also have found myself holding back, afraid of failing. For over a year I've wanted to teach a photography-business workshop; I have everything down to the detailed lesson plan figured out, but have been afraid to set a date and announce it, worried no one would sign up.
I ended up talking to another photog friend, who turns out, is in the same boat, but has a totally different take on a workshop, so we're teaming up (with one more photog friend, too) and hosting it in May!
The point of all this is to say, you can absolutely do it, and keep talking about it with people; you may end up talking to someone who wants to help you publish it!
For one thing what is success? Anything we love to do, we do and leave the success up to God. Do it because God has put it in your heart, do it for Him, do it for the shear joy of doing it and leave the rest up to him. Do it!
I would quit my day job and start a home-based business. Then I would adopt a child (or more) as fast as I could. I would learn to play at least one musical instrument, too. It does feel good to write it out, doesn't it?
I know you could write a book. I would definitely read it!
Love reading your blog!
Thanks, all, for the encouraging words. And Emily, I love your aspirations. And I love that you're working on it!!
Marcia, those are good goals. Yes, it feels good just to admit it, doesn't it?
I feel you on this one - I always wanted to somehow seem important, and the older I get the less important that seems. If I could do one thing...I'm not sure what it would be. Maybe missions? Maybe law school? Maybe continue with this Mommy thing, have a couple more kiddos...especially if I KNEW they were going to turn out great :) Honestly I think that might be it, and if my kids were to go on to do something great, it would feel as though I had accomplished greatness, too.
Also, you should absolutely write a book. As long as it doesn't interfere with your blogging, I'm all for it! ha :)
I would read your book!
So, I've thought about your post for a while. I kept trying to figure out what I would attempt. I realized that what I don't attempt because of fear of failure are mostly small things, not big life goals. I avoid things like having a certain conversation with my husband or going and meeting with a group of ladies or sharing my faith with someone. Thanks for posting the question.
Well, if I were to stay single "forever" [as in, longer than 5 more years], I'd open a fabric and paper store in my town. It is very much needed here as I live amongst steel mills and cornfields.
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