My "No!", His "Yes."

I love both of my girls.  Differently and the same.  Each one is so unique and precious to me, I often feel full of wonder that I am their parent - their Mama.  Summer: Heaven knows I could smother that girl in kisses and hugs from dawn til dusk.  The way she smiles and crinkles her nose undoes me on many occasion.

But, my Bella.  She has a very special, soft spot in my heart.  Deep in the recesses, she is ingrained in me.  I'm not sure if it's because of all we've been through: 5 surgeries, countless doctors appointments, 5 deployments.  Or maybe it's because I see myself in so much of her open emotion.  Or maybe every firstborn has a special spot in a Mama's heart.  Or maybe it's this: that at the beginning, I didn't want her.

When I look at my daughter, {and this happens quite often} when I watch her move and think and speak, when I watch her laugh and skip and dance, when I watch her try and control those pesky 3-year old emotions, when I watch her sleep and eat and breathe.... I am often reminded of how vehemently I didn't want her pregnancy.

I didn't want to be pregnant just yet.  I didn't want to "lose myself" and my freedom.  I mourned the loss of the past and the impending future for those first 20 weeks of her pregnancy.  I'm ashamed of it, but it's true.

And right before I began to push her out, an incredible fear took hold of me.  I wasn't ready for this girl!  I wasn't ready to be a mother and to love and to care for and to be selfless!!  I wasn't ready!!

Yet, she came.  Changing my life beyond what I could have ever understood what was to come.  God gave her to me, as a undeserved gift.  I said, "No!" and He said, "Yes."

Her life obviously has a purpose much greater than causing me to see my errors and selfishness and be astounded by God's grace, but I thank Him for allowing her to be a part of my changing self.  She is my Ebenezer, my Altar of Remembrance.  When she passes before me, I continually think, "How could I have not wanted her?  What would my life be like if God had given me my "No!"?"  Still, three and a half years later, these thoughts plague me.

What else have I said "No!" to, that God has given in to my desires?  What other gifts have I snubbed, thinking I knew better?  I can think of a couple, namely being content with where the Lord has stationed us currently.  I want different, I want change, I want what's best for me!  Once again, sweet Bella's soft face reminds me... be moldable, be teachable, be flexible... He wants my "Yes."