I am a yeller. I don't want to be. In fact, my mom yelled when I was a kid. And more likely than not, her mom yelled. It happens when I get frustrated beyond the point of controlling myself, and then... I YELL. I swore to myself, when I was young, I would not yell at my children. And yet, I find myself doing it more often than I like. As I'm yelling, I hate myself more than anything.
So, at other times, when I'm trying to control my yelling habit, I instead take deep breath, and SIGH... loudly. My mom also sighed. I disliked that even more than yelling, knowing you had disappointed your mother beyond words. Hear me now, I treasure my mama more than anyone and revere her deeply. And I don't blame her one bit: having five children - all crammed into eight years - homeschooling all day long. Five noisy, PIANO-PLAYING, singing, LOUD, chatterboxes. But, I know how the yelling and sighing made me feel. It's just always a bit mind-boggling when you see yourself do what you swore you'd never do.
I sighed last night at Bella. And her face fell. I sighed when she dropped honey on the floor. Sticky, oozing honey ... joining the smooshed raisins, crushed banana muffin crumbs in the carpet, legos scattered every which way... all on my newly mopped floor. I sighed and as she raised her beautiful, honey-colored eyes to mine, dolefully apologizing for spilling, I hated myself again. Why can't I be less-critical? Why can't I be okay with spills? Why do they have to force a yell or sigh from me?
Honestly: why can't I just be more like Anne Blythe?? The dear Anne-girl, whom married Gilbert Blythe, and is a darling, sweet, ever-loving mother to her six children.... why can't I be more like her?? (I'm deeply buried in Anne books, right now).
Of course, if I can give myself a bit of credit, I might be more darling, sweet, & ever-loving if I too had a cook, live-in maid and nanny. Just sayin'.
(And, check out this darling, sweet, ever-lovely re-enactment of Anne's wedding photo shoot here!)
So, at other times, when I'm trying to control my yelling habit, I instead take deep breath, and SIGH... loudly. My mom also sighed. I disliked that even more than yelling, knowing you had disappointed your mother beyond words. Hear me now, I treasure my mama more than anyone and revere her deeply. And I don't blame her one bit: having five children - all crammed into eight years - homeschooling all day long. Five noisy, PIANO-PLAYING, singing, LOUD, chatterboxes. But, I know how the yelling and sighing made me feel. It's just always a bit mind-boggling when you see yourself do what you swore you'd never do.
I sighed last night at Bella. And her face fell. I sighed when she dropped honey on the floor. Sticky, oozing honey ... joining the smooshed raisins, crushed banana muffin crumbs in the carpet, legos scattered every which way... all on my newly mopped floor. I sighed and as she raised her beautiful, honey-colored eyes to mine, dolefully apologizing for spilling, I hated myself again. Why can't I be less-critical? Why can't I be okay with spills? Why do they have to force a yell or sigh from me?
Honestly: why can't I just be more like Anne Blythe?? The dear Anne-girl, whom married Gilbert Blythe, and is a darling, sweet, ever-loving mother to her six children.... why can't I be more like her?? (I'm deeply buried in Anne books, right now).
Of course, if I can give myself a bit of credit, I might be more darling, sweet, & ever-loving if I too had a cook, live-in maid and nanny. Just sayin'.
(And, check out this darling, sweet, ever-lovely re-enactment of Anne's wedding photo shoot here!)
6 comments:
Even Anne had her share of temper, at least you're not smashing your slate over anyone's head.
I'd sigh over honey on the floor as well -oh wait, I have and I do...
Bella will grow up loving you just as much as you love your mama and she'll have her turn to sigh too.
My mom is a self-admitted yeller too, and Kali and I have talked about this as well. It is difficult.
You have convinced me I need to commit to reading the Anne books. And I completely forgot that she married Gilbert BLYTHE! :-) Makes me love my daughter's name even more.
Friend for your encouragement. After you left yesterday natalie says ' Jenny is so great with her girls she is so soft spoken with them. I love how she disciplines them'. So you are doing something right mama. But I feel your pain. I hate when my sin sneaks in to my parenting and my kids feel the consequences.
oh, jenny! i love the anne photo shoot! those are my very favorite books!! i can't wait and fervently hope esther will want to read them.
i am so with you on the yelling/sighing. i do both. i just yelled at a crying daughter the other day. outside. i'm sure all the neighbors heard as well. i get a really ugly, sharp tone as well. insert big sigh here. you are not alone and i try and remind myself that these faults keep me on my knees and keep me dependent on the Lord as obviously, I am not capable myself. and, it's so funny because yesterday (the day after a rough day) i reminded myself that tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it. praying for a good day for you today!--joy
I have always told Joshua that I want a little red-headed girl. He always scoffs and says I have no understanding of what a curse I am wishing upon our daughter (if we are ever blessed with one!). But oh! after seeing that photoshoot, that beautiful red-headed girl, just makes me want one even more!
And oh how we will never be perfect mothers. So many times I have sunk on my couch feeling like such a failure - praying that God will cover my mistakes and make my boys hearts whole inspite of my errors. It's not easy is it? We'll never be perfect will we? How good it is to have a Savior who covers our multitude of sins and shortcomings. Miss you friend! And yes Yosemite was incredible. I could build a cabin and stay there forever!
Slightly related/unrelated: Anne of Avonlea is "on" at the SLO Little Theater...just saw it posted while downtown a few minutes ago. Anne always makes me think of your family & Julianna :)
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