One of the things I love about my family is that we love to talk. We love to ask deep, personal questions and we love to answer and be heard. Conflict is not absent, but it is never avoided. I think it's safe to say that my sisters, brothers and parents know most everything about my life: the good, the bad and the ugly. And I'm still loved. Unconditionally. While living under the same roof with all the siblings and in-laws is not always easy, it's worth it and it's good. It's good to be stretched.
Last night, while relaxing after dinner, we asked the question, "What do you think about as you fall asleep at night?" We all went around and answered. Funny responses and we enjoyed analyzing each other's answers and how they fit each unique personality.
The whole conversation got me thinking of how different life is now for me from when it was before. My mind isn't filled with many things other than my family. My marriage, my parenting, and my home life. It's what rules my thoughts and my endeavors and my whole being. It's who I am, for now.
While Trav's job the last five months have been grueling, he has been home (for the most part). So he works 90-hour weeks... he's still home and available. With him leaving yesterday, it felt as though a crucial part of me was being ripped away. I wanted to slap myself and say, "Buck up, cowboy! You've done this separation MANY times and for WAAAY longer than five weeks!" But, I let myself grieve a little and I let myself cry myself to sleep. Because, I should feel empty when he's gone. It doesn't feel good, but it's right and healthy.
My girls are growing up. Bella runs after her cousins and disappears for hours: coloring, playing make-believe, reading, running outside... she doesn't need her Mama much anymore. I see her wanting to be big and independent. And I want to hold her back, to keep her with me. But I'm learning to let go, little bits at a time. It's hard for me. Summer has begun crawling out of her crib while being here. She tots after Bella always... and also wants to be a big girl. She still needs my arms and affection, though. She still needs my security... but I know it's not for long.
Life is changing. Sometimes I feel ready, and sometimes I just feel so very tired. I am constantly marveling at how very simple life becomes when parenting enters the picture. There is no time (or energy!) for fuss and nonsense. There's no time for the complex and theology past-times. It's simple: do the next thing and love well. Love lavishly. And simply do what needs to be done: laundry, disciplining, teaching, cooking, cleaning, sleeping, showering, holding, reading. Do it. And do it with love.
Last night, while relaxing after dinner, we asked the question, "What do you think about as you fall asleep at night?" We all went around and answered. Funny responses and we enjoyed analyzing each other's answers and how they fit each unique personality.
The whole conversation got me thinking of how different life is now for me from when it was before. My mind isn't filled with many things other than my family. My marriage, my parenting, and my home life. It's what rules my thoughts and my endeavors and my whole being. It's who I am, for now.
While Trav's job the last five months have been grueling, he has been home (for the most part). So he works 90-hour weeks... he's still home and available. With him leaving yesterday, it felt as though a crucial part of me was being ripped away. I wanted to slap myself and say, "Buck up, cowboy! You've done this separation MANY times and for WAAAY longer than five weeks!" But, I let myself grieve a little and I let myself cry myself to sleep. Because, I should feel empty when he's gone. It doesn't feel good, but it's right and healthy.
My girls are growing up. Bella runs after her cousins and disappears for hours: coloring, playing make-believe, reading, running outside... she doesn't need her Mama much anymore. I see her wanting to be big and independent. And I want to hold her back, to keep her with me. But I'm learning to let go, little bits at a time. It's hard for me. Summer has begun crawling out of her crib while being here. She tots after Bella always... and also wants to be a big girl. She still needs my arms and affection, though. She still needs my security... but I know it's not for long.
Life is changing. Sometimes I feel ready, and sometimes I just feel so very tired. I am constantly marveling at how very simple life becomes when parenting enters the picture. There is no time (or energy!) for fuss and nonsense. There's no time for the complex and theology past-times. It's simple: do the next thing and love well. Love lavishly. And simply do what needs to be done: laundry, disciplining, teaching, cooking, cleaning, sleeping, showering, holding, reading. Do it. And do it with love.
4 comments:
Another great post, Jenny - I love your honesty. Dan & I have been talking about the whole parenting thing a lot lately, and just how simple it really is. Simple and yet grueling - it really doesn't leave much room for anything else sometimes. Thank you for reminding me that that's ok! And that it is oh so very important.
I'm so glad for you that you've been able to just focus on your family.
You mentioned having no mind space for theology and it's funny because for me the opposite happened. I all of the sudden got obsessed with figuring out theology because I needed to know what to pass on to my children. What do I teach them? What was helpful and what was hurtful from I was taught growing up? The more I dig the more questions I have and the less answers. Time will tell if that has been for good or bad.
Such sweet and poignant words.
Simple. Neverending. Love-filled work.
awh, good word friend. good word.
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