What follows is a typical, common conversation that I have with many non-military people.
Person: So how long is he going to be gone for?
Me: About 5 more months.
Person: Oh, that's not too bad! It'll go by fast...
Me: *crickets*
Person: You guys can skype and email and stuff, right?
Me: Yeeeessss... (not really wanting to go into the gory detail of what it looks like trying to gather 4 people into a small phone screen, while one of them is desperately trying to push the "red" (i.e. hang up) button, and the other two are jumping on my back. Meanwhile, the "amazing" internet connection has gone out 7 times and I've had to repeat the sentence "We're good, nothing's new," about fourteen times.)
Person: You're really lucky that you get to see each other and talk on the phone. People back, just 20 years ago had to stick to handwritten letters! You've really got it good these days.
Me: Yep.
And yes, I understand that we're blessed to be able to skype. I get the fact that email is awesome and we don't have to wait weeks to read the handwritten note (or, we do, but we get emails in between said letters). I get it.
But allow me to draw a similar conversation up, with similar remarks...
Person: UGH!!! I've had a terrible week. My kid got sick, and I've had to do 14,000 loads of laundry in the past 3 days. I haven't been out of the house all week and, as you can see, I haven't showered in 4 days. This sucks.
Me: Ya, well, don't get too down.
Person: What? Did you just hear what I said???
Me: Well, I mean, you didn't have to wash all the laundry BY HAND, did you? You have a WASHING MACHINE, right? And your kid, he doesn't have malaria or scarlet fever or pertussis, right? He got some antibiotics and is doing fine now, right? And showered?? Don't even get me started! Just 100ish years ago, people bathed in water heated from the stove in baths once a week. You've got it good, sister!! You're truly blessed.
Person: *crickets*
Obviously, this convo would never happen.
Listen, folks. We're all blessed to be living now rather than "back then," with the modern conveniences (although, Heaven knows I'm one Laura Ingalls Wilder/Anne of Green Gables romanticizer) that are available to us.
If this emphasizes anything, it's that we as a society simply cannot stand awkward/uncomfortable situations of people in pain or grieving. We feel the need to slap a "It's OK!!" bandaid on it and some trite "encouraging" word. I'm resolving to change that.
15 comments:
ummmm yes.
Love you friend. Praying for you and your mama/wifey heart. You probably don't feel tough...but it takes a tough lady to do what you do. <3
Thank you!!
One of my least favorite expressions ever is, "Well, hang in there!" It just strikes me as so incredibly dismissive. I suppose MOST people mean well when they say it, but sometimes hearing that phrase makes me feel angry and hurt.
I'm with you as far as wanting to make a change. Let us know how we can help!
-- Jen
Thanks for this Jenny. I think that you probably hit the nail on the head for anyone who is going through something difficult, not only those in the midst of a deployment. Thanks for the encouragement. Can you write a post or an update on this post about what you would rather people say?? Just curious as to what would sound good to hear.. and "oh, i'm sorry!" or what?
Ahhhh sooooo true!
SO MUCH YES! Right now I have a friend who's been dealing with infertility, and while her friends and family are trying to help with 'hang in there' and other such sentiments, it's not helping.
My go-to response when someone is in pain like this is "that sucks. Let me know if there's anything I can do to support you," and that seems to go over pretty well.
Jenny, is this a time where silence and a hug would suffice? and maybe an "I love you".
Yes! I love this Jenny! When my husband was gone it was the same darn thing. Except my parents (not military at all) would say, "Don't tell him your sad or have any problems. He doesn't need to worry about you TOO."
Ugh. I feel you. You can do it lady. Heck, your doing it better then I could with one kid!
What hated the most is when people would say "you're so strong" I know it was meant we'll and to be encouraging, but everything in me would want to scream "I don't want to be strong! I just want my husband."
Oh girl so true. I totally had one like it talking to a girl who was engaged to a pilot. She was telling me about how tired and busy she was. I ask oh what's your job? She says oh I don't have a job but I go to soooo many yoga and workout classes that I'm so tired and feel so busy. Then proceeds to say "I mean I'm sure your tired and busy too with your kids so you understand." Hmmmm yeah ok kind of the same thing. A little tiny bit of me wanted to punch her.
Same kind of thing happens with "all the single ladies", too. People just can hardly bear it that we are not experiencing the wonders of marriage or a relationship, and so all kinds of words I already know come popping out of their mouths. I already know singleness has advantages (mostly my independence and freedom) and I already know that it's better to be single than in an unhappy marriage, and I already know that marriage isn't perfect, won't solve all my problems, and so on and on and on. Also, I already know that in spite of all of the words being said, you "pity" me, are baffled why someone as "awesome" as me is not snatched up, and that nothing would make you happier than to see me head over heels in love. When all those words and all those wishes annoy me rather than make me feel better, I just try to remember the good heart behind it who really does care about me, but is just not always perfect at showing it. =)
You are more than welcome to grief, cry, call out to God and throw a fit. Deployments are hard, having children with a deployed spouse is hard, and its nothing like a short business trips. We are designed to be "single" parents. It's not glamorous, it's not easy, and it's exhausting. They miss their families, but they have to "remain strong" for their job. Kevin said that was the hardest part, going from a family man, to a single man. Cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, and being alone. I try as hard as possible not to complain, but some days I just want to cry to him over facetime and will him to come home. I've changed hundreds of diapers, given hundreds of baths, and rarely get a moment to myself. The only things I don't mind about him being gone is less dishes and less laundry.
Being married is being a team, and sometimes it stinks when your whole team is not together. We each have our strengths and weaknesses that we bring to the table and its extremely difficult to have to balance those all yourself. I'm praying for you Jenny, for your children, and of course that Travis stays safe. Nothing about your person being gone for 6 months is easy.
I just noticed what Kate posted as a comment. I just want someone to say that sucks, and not be a "one upper." Everyone has problems, but just let my situation suck more than yours for just a moment.
Wow! This.was.good! Jenny, I can relate to this in so many ways and I agree my friend! God bless you!
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