I love this. It's difficult and somewhat painful ... it pricks my ego in places that don't feel too good - like my pride, my self-awareness, my motherhood, my womanhood.I don't know if there's much I can say about this quote. My mind feels full when I read it, yet to try and explain all the little bursts of sentences and thoughts and emotions inside somehow just seems wrong. Maybe it isn't time yet to divulge. I probably don't have it all figured out yet, therefore I won't speak (that's how I operate).
This quote encapsulates what has been one big struggle for me since the birth of our daughter. Heck, since the first year of marriage. Who am I? Who am I now?? Who am I supposed to be? I feel like a completely different person than the gal I was in college. And it's been hard to reconcile within myself.
Life throws curve balls nearly every day. And how we choose to go about swinging at those said curve balls makes all the difference. I'm learning. I'm learning that to swing and miss isn't always a strike. And I've found sometimes, you may need to force yourself to swing even when it looks like it may be a ball.
Enough for now. More on this quote later. Does this saying touch you in any way?
7 comments:
Hey, Jenny.
I don't know if you remember me at all, but we were at NWC at the same time. I've been following your blog for awhile now, but this is the first time I felt compelled to comment.
Dang, that quote struck me, too. Since graduation, it's been hard to figure out exactly what I am, aside from all the labels I collected during school. I can't define myself by "student" or "English major" or any of the other things that I was--and I have to learn to know myself as, well, MYSELF! By my character and my relationships, not just by my job or accomplishments. I am such a perfectionist. Bleagh.
It's hard, too, to think that I might be on the verge of reconciling that within myself...but so far from doing it with other people. If I meet someone new and tell them, "Oh, I'm a school aide," what I really want to do is follow that up with seven minutes of explanation, like, "But I USED to do this...and I've done this..." like I have to justify my present state of being with everything else I've ever done.
Anyway, that is probably far more than you wanted to know, but thanks for giving some words to help me define what I've been thinking. I hope that things become clearer as you process the words of that quote and sort your thoughts!
-Shar
You have to grow up eventually...not sure that's exactly what I'm saying. But I have gone to all my class reunions (except the 10th) and one thing I've noticed is those who STILL go to the bar and stay there for the duration...they haven't stepped out the door to something different. Like they are trying to keep living our high school years. I have friends who, when we get together, all they want to do is talk about the past and I think part of it is because their lives have been difficult since HS and they want to go back where they felt safer and they try to drag me back. I have gone forward. Sure, I love where I've been, but I can't live there. I need to keep pushing forward to where God is taking me. Not to say I haven't tried to pull away from my Father's grasp because I see something that looks more exciting or comfortable. Life is hard and as you get older it doesn't get easier, but when you hold onto God's hand, it feels more comfortable and it does get easier to continue with Him.
Sheesh! I think I confused myself. Hope you can kind of see what I'm saying.
love your honesty Jenny.
your doing a awesome job as a wife and mother. keep trusting God and He will give you wisdome and grace for each day.
I think really, this quote is the epitome of salvation. Where we all were, was separated from Christ--just getting by in this life. We do have to make a decision, for Him, and then life changes. If we look back, which is hard for those of us who can't remember what life was like without Christ...but perhaps we can recall our days of immaturity, it seems easier somehow and we're tempted to go back to that time when choices were by ourselves, for ourselves. That includes pre-marriage and motherhood, by the way!
Don't let the world confuse you about who you should define yourself to be in their eyes. You are a princess--plain and simple--a daughter of the King. With that title comes plenty of responsibility to live as a noble, an honorable daughter in all the roles He's placed you. That title--princess--is life long, no matter how tired, how bored, how fat, how bothered, how apathetic, how old or how hard we've become.
You are a princess! And you look lovely in your crown.
Ya. I've been thinking about this A LOT lately. Especially today. I read this: http://www.sarahmarkley.com/tell/
on sarah markley's blog today and it struck something in me. Now you write this.
I'm holding back tears at the moment.
Can I e-mail you? I don't think I have your e-mail address. Mine is L C Laity (at) gmail (dot) com.
I'd love to talk more about this.
~Lara
yes Jenny, oh my yes...this makes me sad inside becuse it rings so true, and I can't figure out why...maybe it's because I don't feel like I am doing anything significant with my life at times and feel guilty because of it...ugly truth, but true nonetheless...
Hey Jenny,
My name is Melissa Meyer (was Halstensgard) and went to NWC the same time as you. I love reading your blog and though I didn't know about it for a while, I go back through the posts sometimes. I got married last fall to a great guy who is in the navy (trying to figure out military life). We met when I was overseas in Bahrain (via Josh Perkins) teaching and he was on deployment. I was over there doing what I thought was my dream and calling of being overseas when he came into my life. I moved back after a year of teaching there and we got married last fall. It was really all very quick and a huge shift for me. I have struggled with finding employment (am just subbing), have struggled in marriage to understand my husband who is so different than me though I love him so much, struggled with totally feeling like I have lost direction and identity. I have been wallowing the last few months in a hard place, being pretty depressed and lost. Yesterday my husband said he feels like I wish I had stayed overseas.
This quote and your thoughts really struck me. I am at this place where I feel like I am trying to figure out how to move forward. To get out of the identity struggle spiral. To not sabotage my marriage, to live life fully to the place am called and not look back in regret but move forward. The quote was challenging. Thanks for sharing and honesty. Things I really respect and appreciate. I am curious if you wrote more on it?
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