I'm not a huge fan of pregnancy. But, I feel as though it's not *right* to admit it. Cognitively, I know I am extremely blessed to be able to bear my own children. I know that it's something not to be taken lightly. I know that it's a privilege and a miracle. And I am grateful. Truly. But, still, I don't like it. I wonder if I'd like/appreciate it more if I had experienced trouble getting pregnant. Maybe. Sometimes, life is like that. We don't really, truly treasure what we have until we can't have it. I wish life wasn't like that. I wish I could know what it means to truly cherish every gift I've been given: whether it's the simple things like sunlight, or the huge things, like children or my health. But I guess that's part of being human: we are easily entertained and easily distracted. I suppose therein lies the beauty of suffering: we are given the gift of knowing what could have/should have/would have been. And we cherish what we're given even more deeply.
Back to pregnancy. The most difficult part for me -- *major ego-centric moment here* -- is the weight gain. I hate it. I hate seeing the numbers go up and knowing how much work it will be to get the numbers down. I hate how my clothes fit (or don't). And more than that, I hate how I hate it. Isn't that silly? I know... but it's true.
I read something the other day, on a runner's blog. [I am NOT a runner - just ran across this.] And she was writing about pregnancy and running and how people try and gain as little weight as possible. She said something that struck a chord with me:
I think there is a fear that we are passing on an unrealistic and unhealthy message about pregnancy to women as well as a sadness that we can’t let pregnancy be a time when our body is growing and changing in order to sustain the life of a baby. It’s as if we’re supposed to go through pregnancy absolutely unaffected by what’s going on inside our bodies. How strange and counter-intuitive is that?!?
Yes, this is what I feel! That I'm supposed to gain the littlest amount of weight possible (I gained 40 with Bella and am well on my way to gaining the same amount with this one...) and then have it off immediately. And while I'm all for being healthy and exercising and such, I just want to be able to give myself some freedom to grow a baby inside of me without feeling guilty. To rest, because I have a 2-year old. To slow down, because my sciatic nerve is crippling me. To gain some weight and not fret, because honestly... I'm a mother. Things are going to change.
In the end, I have a husband who is crazy about my body, now, as well as when we got married, after I had Bella and everything in between. I have two daughters. I have a normal body that is going to age, change, and eventually, pass away. I don't want to waste these months sweating the "small stuff" when I could be cherishing these gifts.
7 comments:
I am really thankful for this post today! I am 25 weeks pregnant and often feel guilty when I don't run or walk or when i'm eating too much and I thought the other day, 'Why is it like this, I want to fully enjoy this pregnancy'. That was very encouraging, thank you!
I struggle with the same thing -- I gained 40 lbs with Keagan and I told myself that this time around I was going to watch my weight...but I'm growing a baby inside of me! I still need to eat and gain weight to grow a healthy baby so it seems ridiculous to put a limit on how much weight I should gain. There will always be those women who will have babies and leave the hospital looking like they were never even pregnant. That will never be me and I'm okay with it because pregnancy is a beautiful no matter how you feel or look! And for the record, I think you look gorgeous! You're almost there and soon you'll have your beautiful new girl in your arms!!
wow. 40 lbs sounds great, i gained a whopping 55 with suzannah. :( but really who cares. it'll all come off, and what matters most is that our children are here and healthy. thank the Lord!
you look amazing. your belly is adorable. and your baby, i'm sure, is even cuter inside!! can't wait to meet her. only 6 more weeks to go, or less!
great post, jenny. even though i'm "one of those people" who love pregnancy, i do understand and agree with everything you've said. and this last part does SUCK!! these braxton hicks contractions are ridiculously annoying!! hang in there sister, we only have a few more weeks to go!! :-)
So, I clicked on your link and got curious about the woman's birth story, so I found it in her archives and started reading. As it turns out, one of the people on her birth team is a good friend of mine from the high school I went to before SLO. So funny!
(I agree with the sentiments in your post, btw!)
I am just starting out on this journey, but already I agree with you! All of my life I have been so excited to be pregnant - I just thought it would be the coolest experience of my life. Sadly, not so far. Instead I spend most of my days lying in bed trying to not throw up. I've found one thing that helps is eating every 3 hours. Well, that doesn't help the old self esteem much!
It was something I struggled with before I got pregnant, because lt's be honest, our 26 year old bodies are different than our 22 year bodies or even our 24 year old bodies. And to know that it will never be the same again is very sad to me. I mourn that, instead of embracing who I am now. My husband is so good to bolster me up, but I find myself calling him a liar in my heart. How sad!
I came across a blog post the other day (http://ayoungmomsmusings.blogspot.com/2010/04/what-my-grandma-taught-me-about-body.html) that was really convicting and I dare say quite true! Now to model that attitude now, before it's too late.
1. Thanks (again) for being real.
2. This is an interesting topic for me. I have several close friends who are pregnant or who have just had children and that is bringing to my awareness what a big and quite distressing deal the weight issue is during/after pregnancy. I'm gaining even more of an understanding about how difficult/hellish it can be for anyone who has / has ever had food ED issues having a better understanding what a battle it is for healthy people (and quite frankly, that terrifies me. . . but it's an area I just have to trust) But go easy on yourself. You aren't vain. You're just a girl, and this is universally hard for a lot of girls.
3. For the record, you are a skinny pregnant girl. Not everyone is a skinny pregnant girl. If you weren't one I wouldn't make a point of highlighting it but you are, so I am. You have never in a pregnancy/post-birth (I think those are the most brutal) picture looked puffy or bloated - always your petite, cute little self. I swear. You don't see it, but trust those of us who can.
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