considering joy on a Good Friday

I preached to myself this evening as I made our dinner salad.  "Consider it all joy... consider it all joy... consider it ALL JOY..." was my repetitive mantra.  Repetitive, because I couldn't quite wrap my mind around why I was to consider my plight ALL JOY, when it was anything but joy-inducing.

My husband has been gone - a lot.  The past month, he's been gone on back to back trips.  In some ways, these small trips are more difficult to accept than a deployment, because (a) they're usually last minute; (b) he's in the USA but not accessible to me; (c) they can tend to seem like vacations to a stay-at-home mother.  Tonight, he returned from a 2-week trip... with news.  News that, on Easter, he'll be leaving again.  And with a deployment on the near horizon, this news was depressing, angering, and heavy.

Trav took the girls for a short bike ride as I made dinner.  I needed space and time to cool off.  I've learned that if I allow myself the depressing, angering, heavy feelings (even if they're warranted), nothing is made better.  If I choose joy and perseverance, life together at home will be smoother.  As I methodically cut the lettuce, I chanted James 1:2.

This is Good Friday.  And I must consider this situation all joy.  Why?  Why are these two days linked?  What impact does Good Friday have on today?  


You see, Easter is the holidays I struggle the most with.  I never feel like I can fully grasp/appreciate/worship/feel the "correct" amount of what truly happened.  No matter how much I try and meditate on Good Friday, or Easter morning, I always feel like I'm lacking.  Christ's sacrifice was so HUGE, MONUMENTAL, EARTH-SHATTERING... and here I am, this measly person trying to fit my emotions with the facts, my gratitude with the Greatest Gift ever given.... an impossible puzzle.

And here is Good Friday.  And I'm upset.  Because I want my husband HOME.  I want a relationship with him.  I want a dependable schedule.  Yet, all I can do is recite "Consider it pure joy, my brethren..." in order not to blow a fuse.  In the midst of this, He spoke:

Consider it pure joy... Consider it pure joy... Consider it pure joy...  WHY?!


Because I want you to know Me.


But how can I know You through Travis constantly being gone?  Why are those so contingent upon one another?  I don't understand.


I want you to be satisfied by Me.  Alone.


Well, I do too, but I don't see anything wrong with Travis being home...  I mean, why did you give me a husband if he's not going to be a part of my life?


I died for you to be satisfied in Me alone.


Hmmm... okay.  


Trust Me, Jenny.  Trust that I will always give you what's best.


And that was it.  He spoke, there in the middle of washing my green pepper.  He helped me understand why I should consider my husband's constant absence a JOY.  I still don't fully grasp the why's and wherefore's, but I see how Good Friday is in my every day life.  That is enough for the next step.  Do the next thing, and He is there before you.