the disciples and Christmas

When I was young (like in high school and college young), I used to berate the disciples of Jesus.  I used to think how blind and hard-headed those were on whom He performed miracles.  How could anyone doubt that He was the Son of God?  Why were the disciples continually afraid?  They had JESUS there, before their very eyes, and they were still so simple-minded.

I don't think this way anymore.

The older I get (and heaven knows I'm still as young a whippersnapper as there ever was), I realize life is so big.  And things that I once thought very easy, seem very hard.  Even this post, for example.  I've been wanting to write it for a few days now, but as soon as afternoon rolls around, my brain can't even conjure up what it was exactly that seemed so crucial just the morning before.

Lately, it's been Jesus.  I've loved Jesus since I was a little girl.  I've believed in Him for as long as I can remember.  I watched my mom and dad live out what it looks like to love and follow Christ.  I've seen my dad weep over his love for the Lord.  I've worked through so many tough conversations with my mom about what it means to be a Christ follower.  I went to a Christian college and grew deeply in my faith.

But it's been hard for a few years now.  Maybe since I began having kids.  Maybe since I got married.  I'm not sure when, but all the beliefs I held somehow stopped ringing true.  They still are true.  I know that with all my being.  But, the precious beliefs I hold to simply became words.  I struggle to describe what I feel other than having a veil over my eyes.  It's like I know what's behind that veil - beauty and love so deep and peace and truth - but for some reason, it's very cloudy and murky.  And I'm holding on with all my strength.  At times, I have no strength, and then I realize, it's Him holding on to me.

Travis and I struggle through it often.  We spoke the other night about Christmas.  And how, as we're preparing to enter into this beautiful, amazing, MIRACULOUS time of year with our children, we sense a lack of wonder in ourselves.  That Christ came down and took on flesh to BE SIN for us.  We asked the girls one night why Jesus came to earth.  Bella's answer rolled quickly off her tongue: "To save us from our sins."

And it was in that moment that I hated our ability to view something so great, so lightly.  To know the incredible GOD of the universe and yet, view Him with apathy.  Granted, she's five and just saying what she knows.  I pray with all my being, God will reveal Himself to her personally one day.  But, she revealed my own heart.  My own quick-answering spirit.  And it was then that I realized I was just like the disciples, the Pharisees in Jesus' day.  I have the Savior of the world right before me, yet I can't wrap my head around Who He is.  I don't believe that He's come to save me.  How can that be?  How can a God love someone who is as blind and foolhardy as me?

In the midst of my writing and pondering, my mom sent me this video.  How poignantly perfect it fits with what I'm battling through.  I must share:

And this I know: whether you grew up like I did, with the truth being poured into my small soul like a constant flow; or broken and hurting like Lacey, He is a pursuing God.  He will not leave us to our veiled-eyed selves, but will do whatever it takes to grab our hearts.  Even send His own Son to take on flesh and dwell among us.